I did not want to post anything today because I am having a great struggle with trying to find something positive to say. It made me think of the cliche, "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything". But although I do not really have anything nice to say, I will not surrender - a negative or depressing posting is still creative and better than nothing.Today was overcast, rainy and humid - very strange weather for these parts although not unwelcome as fire season rapidly approaches. My god "fire season" just putting those two words together is atrocious and terrifying. I struggled intensely with my growing depression. While in MA I felt optimistic and purchased a Lindt gift box of chocolates to give to a friend to say thanks for helping me with a job lead if I landed the position. The lead has gone south and I have no idea why. As I rummaged in the cabinet for breakfast - I noticed the gift box on the top shelf where I tucked it away so that I would forget about it. I took it down and I binged. In 15 minutes I consumed all 20 of the chocolates - that is a total of 1600 calories, two-third's of my calories for the day. I did not even finish one before I put another on into my mouth. I was in a daze and a trance but I did not feel any better. At least those chocolates are gone now. I keep very little food in the house. I just cannot.
I signed up with 2 more temp agencies and I also applied for more jobs. I feel like such a failure and yet know that I have to continue on. I must create a resolution for myself. I emailed a bunch of former coworkers too. Just an email to say hi, catch up a bit and to let them know I am still on the job search. I posted a listing to craigslist that I was willing to do any type of general labor, errands, or household work in hopes of getting some under the table money. I looked around the house for more things to sell. I crafted a letter asking my brother for money. I just put the words together and revised it. I am getting close to asking him and certainly would do it live and not in a letter or an email but I wanted to have my thoughts clear.
I emailed my therapist with an update. I have not seen him in almost 2 months. Perhaps he will let me see him once for free. I searched around for free health clinics but so far it seems I am either too old or too young. I would be so happy if I could get something to help me sleep. Trying to fall asleep is a nightmare in and of itself. I literally take a fist full of over the counter stuff but it only marginally assists. I did not go to the gym today but I am going to go to Zumba. I have enough money to buy 10 more classes and then I think that will be all for Zumba. So I will certainly enjoy those 10 last classes and I look at it like that is 10 full hours of exercise, which is pretty awesome.
Well the rain is starting up again and so I guess that is as good a reason as any to end this post here. I so look forward to when the sun returns again.
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