Another Success

While I certainly cannot live off of ebay - it has been helping me out bit. I got the above Burberry shirt for $5 at the thrift store. It was in great condition but it is only a size small so even with my weight accomplishment as of late - it would never ever fit me. But since I loved it and know it was a great deal I bought it. I thought about giving it to Oscar because I said before he would look good in it plus it would be funny him wearing a $200 shirt in TJ and no one realizing but in any case I posted it to ebay. It ended up selling for $55 - woohoo. I wish I could figure out the secret but I cannot - it is so it or miss but with a couple hits like this it makes it worth it. I did end up also finding a Burberry black polo that fits me awesome and was only $2.50. I love that shirt too but now I am thinking I may post it too. We shall see. But in the meantime I will still work on trying to figure out the secret.

Bling

I found this bracelet at the thrift store for a buck, so of course I bought it. I don't know why - well actually I do, I bought it cause it is bright and shiny and I love pearls. I have been wearing it ever since I got it and boy has it garnered a lot of attention. The guys at the coffee club were immediately all over it, but I expected that. What I really enjoy are the reactions and or comments of the folks like at the dry cleaners, cvs or grocery store. I am a bit surprised at how such a small item causes such a large stir but that just confirms how fabulous it is, right? I have a really big interview on this Friday and soooooo want to wear it, but I think it will remain home. I don't want to have the volume set at 10 right off the bat - although I am tempted.

Autumn is Here

First and foremost - how awesome is this post! The high school down the street has a sign on its fence - I forget exactly what it says but it did contain the letter S and P --- yay! There is always a photo op - win!

Among the other wins as of late - I met today with a temp agency in Sorrento Valley that has a perfect position for a benefits administrator here in Escondido that they want to present me for. They are presenting 3 candidate but the agency said I was their favorite candidate, which means they will push me. Of course it is all up to the client so who know but hopefully I will at least be able to get in the door and speak with them. Fingers crossed yet again!

Also today I had my latest eBay auctions closed and made $200. It was certainly well beyond my expectations and helps out greatly. Now I am on the hunt for more great stuff to sell. It takes just a couple hours a week of hunting the local thrift stores on their sale days but it working out so far.

Saturday I saw my friend that I posted a picture of below. I have not seen him in a LONG time and there is a bit of a story there, so I was apprehensive, but it was awesome. He noticed right away that I had released weight and complemented me - that was a good way to start! It truly was good to see him - we had some laughs for sure. I watch really odd stuff on Netflix - especially documentaries which I love. He was saying how he did nothing by juicing one week and I said it reminded me of a documentary I saw - he saw the same one! How awesome! It reminded me of what a interesting, in addition to good looking, guy he is.

Lastly tonight was weigh in. Last week I had a miserable week and gained an ugly amount. It was so ugly that although I released weight this week, I did not release all that I gained last week. But I did release a respectable amount and feel back in control and on the right track. It seems like I have so much bubbling up that I must be on the threshold of something good. I am going to keep working toward it. I will make this happen because I can make it happen!

Hope every one's autumn is off to a great start. I really am feeling that mine is! Please :)

It is Time

I am going back to the gym today. I was so very miserable for two solid weeks and just did not go. I realize not going was making things worse but I just could not muster the energy. I don't know what the future holds (although I know what I am trying to make of it) but I do know that it should not stop me from enjoying the present. Time to shake this off and keep moving. 50 pounds released so far and I am back to increase that number. Today is a really good day!

Should Be Nice

Wow - I have not seen you in a while but I will see you tomorrow. I am pleased but a bit nervous. Things got crazy there for a bit. But now there is just a lot of water under the bridge. I don't really hang on to things like that, plus I remember a lot of fun times together. It will just be nice to catch up a bit. I get so very curious. I really do think a great epithet for my headstone is, "Here lies Scott, he was very curious". I will admit that I feel it is very good to be curious and have a wonder of the world. Where it becomes a flaw for me is that I don't know when sometimes a question is just better left unasked or moreover sometimes unanswered. I do not think this will be the case tomorrow. I just want a smile and perhaps a laugh and I remember we had plenty of those.

Movie Review: The Help

Matt gave me a movie gift certificate recently because he really wanted me to go see The Help. I did go to a matinee a couple weeks ago and enjoyed it, especially since I had extra money on the gift certificate too in order to get a small popcorn also (thanks Matt, love ya!). As for the movie, it was entertaining. Much like Water for Elephants -- a lot of characters and not too much development. For example, the main character Skeeter feels so much compassion for the way these humans are treated yet she goes back and forth between their world and her world of white privilege without experiencing too much angst or concern over existing in these dueling worlds. Sure sometimes she makes scowls or disparaging faces but it was hard to believe her extreme compassion for the help when she doesn't ever really get to vocalize her thoughts or opinions. Even when she eventually finds out what happened to the maid that raised her there is not much of a reaction. Most of the characters were extremely stereotypical and it just did not shed any new light on anything. This all being said - it was watchable and enjoyable, it just was not too memorable.

Book Review: Water for Elephants

As I posted previously there was a blackout recently that lasted a whole night. Being bored very quickly I picked up the book Water for Elephants, which my mother had lent to me. It was an easy read. I read half of it during the blackout and then finished it up that week. It was not too memorable. It is told by and old man in a nursing home that flashes back to his days as a young vet in the circus. I liked the character as an old man - I could get into his character and understand his point of view, as a young man - not so much. As main characters go - he really did not do anything as a young man. His life just happened and he basically held on for dear life --- although with all the crap I am going through currently, I guess that is an accomplishment. There were also way too many characters in this book for me. For me I just need like 3 or 4 compelling characters and you can spare me the miscellaneous character sketches like the evil Snidely Whiplash type owner of the circus. Plus I did not understand some of it. He becomes good friends with the midget clown that hated him at first but it was not too clear why the clown changed his mind. Also even with the main love interest, it was not clear as to why they loved each other - what made them special for each other. When it is on dvd I will probably get it from redbox as it is only a buck and it was entertaining - it just was not compelling or memorable.

News of the Day

Today I went on an interview for a great job at a great company. I did really well and felt so confident. Not only am I a perfect fit for the job but the job is a perfect fit for me. I totally have my hopes up. Really not only do I need this but I want it. The company is kinda far and it is for 2nd shift - but off hours would help greatly with the commute. Plus I have no ties to Escondido, although it has served me well while here. Fingers crossed but a great interview is not a job offer so tomorrow I have to follow up with the job lead that I have been working on here in Esco. I am praying for good news soon.

Speaking of good news, today my sister-in-law had her fourth child and finally at last a girl. This totally makes sense to me as EVERYTHING works according to plan for my brother and sister-in-law. I do not say that with any animosity as I think it is awesome, really I do. Her name is Emily Briana and she weighed 6 pounds 15 ounces. I would say she looks like and angel but truthfully she looks more like Mother Teresa. Don't you think? LOL So now I am an uncle for the 10 time. How wonderful is that.

What???!!!???

When my sister was here recently, I was going through my clothes to see if any that did not fit me anymore she would want from my brother-in-law. Frankly I think she got bored of me bringing shirt after shirt out, so she was just like, "What don't you just try to sell them?". I do need the cash and now it does not cost to post to eBay - only when it sells, so I figured why not. I have been going through a lot of stuff - I am the king of boxes. I have been doing well on eBay but I just cannot figure out for the life of me why something sells and why it doesn't. I posted the above tee shirt which I bought at Goodwill like 3 or 4 years ago. It was two dollars and I have no idea why I even bought it. It was just too odd to pass up, but how often do I wear tee shirts??? I posted it for $2 and it sold for $36!!! Can you believe that? I am happy but I am really baffled. I actually emailed the buyer and asked him if he could tell me why he purchased it. If he replies, I will update this post with his response. In the meantime, it is off to its new home in New York City. Because I know how my world works -- Michelle when you are walking down the street someday and see the new owner wearing this shirt - please tell him I said hi and thank you!

Update: The buyer responded and this is his direct quote for why he purchased it for so much, "Because it is awesome man!!! Thanks"

I am Trying

Well I have a lot of thanks today as I count my blessings.

Matt was so sweet and gave me a gift card to the movies because he really wanted me to see "The Help". I did go and I enjoyed it a lot, especially the popcorn jejejeje. The movie was engaging, not life changing but certainly plenty to think about but also plenty to enjoy.

Kym surprised me with a pair of tickets to the movies. What a great treat to pop open the mail and have something wonderful like that mixed in with the bills. I thought about it though. My nephew is turning 10 this week and I had no money to get him a present, so I mailed the tickets to him. I know he loves the movies - who doesn't and it made me super happy to still be able to give him a present. It made me enjoy those tickets more than if I actually used them to see a movie. Kym you are lovely.

Last night I went out with a friend that I used to work with. We had dinner in Escondido, he insisted on paying. I was very appreciative but still kicked in a buy one get one half off coupon that I had. I got prime rib! It was so goooood. It totally makes me worry about weigh in on Monday but it was worth it! Later I suggested that we go to the casino since I know he LOVES the casinos and it would be entertaining for me to just hang out. He made me take $40 to play with. Truthfully, that made me feel very, very awkward. We ended up playing 3 card poker - which although a card game, it is more a game of chance than skill. It was fun and we played for 2 hours. I ended up leaving with $60! I gave him back the $40 he let me play with. I wanted to give him the entire $60 but he refused.

Tomorrow the hunt starts again. But I certainly can't knock the good things that I had to count today. This is very positive.

Stressed

Although I was worried beforehand, I knew it was important for me and so I did go to my weight loss meeting on Monday night. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I released 2.4 more pounds. I wish I could take more credit but I know that it was largely due to stress. I will take it as a win but I recognize that I need to regain control of my diet and exercise. Some much else is out of control but I can at least keep that positive focus.

I do have some good news in that there is a company here in Escondido that is interested in me. Nothing definite but it is an opportunity! I also did networking today and reconnected with a contact I have at UPS. She said she will get my resume into the right hands at UPS but moreover, she said she has two very good customers in Carlsbad that are looking for customer service help so she is going to speak to them. She gave me their names and I immediately checked out their websites. They did not have openings posted but both being bioscience companies made me a perfect fit. Again, as always, nothing concrete, but at least something that feels positive.

I will admit that the vast majority of my energy goes to solving my unemployed status. Any shreds I have over, I want to put into diet and exercise and then I have nothing left. Fear has been such a large part of my life. I have written about it before. I know I cannot give into it now but it is challenging. I did not give into it today, although it was an incredibly hard not to - that's a win. I mustered up a couple job possibilities and although not firm - that's a win. I weigh less today than I did yesterday - that's a win. Stress and fear are constantly here, BUT I did still manage to pull out a couple wins and that in and of itself is also a WIN!

Can You See a Pattern Here??

What a miserable weekend! But today is a new day and I am regrouping. I had a phone interview last week and another one today from two different companies. The job I really want is in a holding pattern unfortunately, but I check in with them regularly to let them know of my continued interest.

I was looking around on craigslist for some side jobs and under the table money so sent off 3 replies. One was for someone that was looking for help selling stuff on eBay (how perfect!). One was for someone that needed a delivery made from the coast to San Diego. The other was someone giving away a free camera and cell phone, which I figured I could sell on eBay. I did not hear back from any of them but will keep looking around for stuff like this as I continue my job searching.

I rolled all my change and it came to $83.00 which I deposited in my bank. This is great as that will definitely cover my cell bill for the month. I also have stuff of my own that I am going to post to eBay today. I have a very rare 1939 World's Fair postcard that should sell for at least 50 bucks. Although I would love if it went over 100 bucks like that awesome Halloween postcard that I sold.

Tonight is my weight loss group. I am not looking forward to going but will definitely go. I have just been so depressed and miserable lately that I have not been able to focus on diet and exercise. I know that I need to go though as it will be a important step to getting back on that wagon.

In Other Odd News

Tickets went on sale today for Morrissey who will be playing a concert here in Escondido in November. Do you know how odd and random that is? I am kinda excited as it is something cool that will happen in the city and it is good for the city but it just puzzles me. I do know Mexicans still LOVE Morrissey and I kinda get it, but truthfully I don't. I looked at tickets but they are out of my price range at the present time, plus they only had nosebleed seats left. Perhaps I will be at the size in November so that I can wear my Smiths concert shirt from the 80's and hang around the venue. Ah so cranky ol' Moz is headed this way - as if Esco is not happy enough having one cranky old man round, namely me, they need two.

Friday Video

I have not posted a Friday Video in ages but I still find lots of good stuff. This is Blondie and it is my absolute most favorite song of theirs - which is incredible since I love so many of them. Debbie Harry just is the shit. I mean she could walk out on the street in any city today looking exactly as she does in this video from 1979 and people would still think, she is the shit. That is amazing. I mean is she that ahead or we all just that far behind?

I remember when I saw her over in Solana Beach and she sang this song that night. The crowd went crazy, but I went mental. She was not singing Blondie songs that night so it was even more amazing - like she just knew I had to hear it. Then I think of her life, oh the stories that she must be able to tell and what her eyes have seen. I cannot say it enough, she is the shit!

And Then the Lights Went Out

Well I survived the Great Blackout of 2011. Around 3:45pm yesterday the electricity went off - everywhere. From friends in Mexico to way up in Orange County - we all had no power. The days have been really dark lately for me but everything was literally dark. Electricity really is amazing because I was very bored, very quickly without it. It was hot in my house so I sat on the deck for a long time, reading by candle light. I did talk a little on the phone but not much as it was hard to make and receive calls. I feel good that I read 200 pages but everything is just blah lately. It is so difficult to make sense of anything.

Today because my instructor has a new class location she gave a free class. Since it was free I was excited but I did not feel well most of the day. I still got it together and went. This new Friday class is held in a dance center. I am not sure if it is because I was not feeling well, or because it was hot, or because I was looking at myself the whole time in the mirror but I got very light headed. I thought at one point I would faint, so I sat down for one of the songs. Then I got back up and made it through the rest of the songs. Always the trooper.

It was really odd looking at myself the whole time. I am not sure what I thought about it. I rarely look at myself in the mirror. I supposed it made it good on two levels. I could see the progress I have made, which is a benefit, plus it helps me focus on making more progess. After class the instructor made me feel really good. She came over to see how I was and said to take it easy. She said she needs me in class because when she forgets the steps, she looks over to me to remember. That is an accomplishment. I will take that win.

Today they were saying on the news it was some worker's fault in AZ that caused the blackout for 5 million people. I find that to be so incredibly odd. One man tweaks something and then 5 million are without power. Seems the world is much more precarious that I thought. His day must have really sucked today.

Strange days indeed, but I am glad the lights are on.

Lots of Love and Some Light

Paula is so sweet. I know a lot of wonderful people and I am lucky she is among them. Her support, love, encouragement and wicked sense of humor - as they say, she is a keeper. Kinda still in a funk today and pretty horrendous with diet and exercise but with her help I readjusted my focus for the day. Instead of digging around for new leads I thought it would be a good day to connect with contacts that I have. It is good to network and let them know I am still on the job hunt. I got a positive response and although nothing firm, that pleased me greatly. It is good to stay on the forefront of minds.

In addition to Paula, I did have a couple wins today. I called my cell phone company to discuss my plan and options. Because of my conversation with them and my long term status as a customer, they gave me a month of free service - yay - it was awesome and totally unexpected! Also I was thinking about Zumba and how I am going to be able to squeeze the budget for more classes. An idea then dawned on me and I sent a message to the instructor to say I was wondering if we could work something out. I thought perhaps if I managed her social media - yes facebook (yack) but also a blog and craigslist posts, local exercise boards, and her email list - then I could get free classes. I have already brought her 5 new clients by just word of mouth and so she responded right away that she is highly interested and that we could talk more about it on Wednesday night.

I know it is all just how you see things but we all need help sometime to refocus, redifine, find and then see what is there, or can be there.

PS: I took this photograph myself and then modified it. I have to say, it came out amazing. I am getting good at this shit! Oh my.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say....

I did not want to post anything today because I am having a great struggle with trying to find something positive to say. It made me think of the cliche, "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything". But although I do not really have anything nice to say, I will not surrender - a negative or depressing posting is still creative and better than nothing.

Today was overcast, rainy and humid - very strange weather for these parts although not unwelcome as fire season rapidly approaches. My god "fire season" just putting those two words together is atrocious and terrifying. I struggled intensely with my growing depression. While in MA I felt optimistic and purchased a Lindt gift box of chocolates to give to a friend to say thanks for helping me with a job lead if I landed the position. The lead has gone south and I have no idea why. As I rummaged in the cabinet for breakfast - I noticed the gift box on the top shelf where I tucked it away so that I would forget about it. I took it down and I binged. In 15 minutes I consumed all 20 of the chocolates - that is a total of 1600 calories, two-third's of my calories for the day. I did not even finish one before I put another on into my mouth. I was in a daze and a trance but I did not feel any better. At least those chocolates are gone now. I keep very little food in the house. I just cannot.

I signed up with 2 more temp agencies and I also applied for more jobs. I feel like such a failure and yet know that I have to continue on. I must create a resolution for myself. I emailed a bunch of former coworkers too. Just an email to say hi, catch up a bit and to let them know I am still on the job search. I posted a listing to craigslist that I was willing to do any type of general labor, errands, or household work in hopes of getting some under the table money. I looked around the house for more things to sell. I crafted a letter asking my brother for money. I just put the words together and revised it. I am getting close to asking him and certainly would do it live and not in a letter or an email but I wanted to have my thoughts clear.

I emailed my therapist with an update. I have not seen him in almost 2 months. Perhaps he will let me see him once for free. I searched around for free health clinics but so far it seems I am either too old or too young. I would be so happy if I could get something to help me sleep. Trying to fall asleep is a nightmare in and of itself. I literally take a fist full of over the counter stuff but it only marginally assists. I did not go to the gym today but I am going to go to Zumba. I have enough money to buy 10 more classes and then I think that will be all for Zumba. So I will certainly enjoy those 10 last classes and I look at it like that is 10 full hours of exercise, which is pretty awesome.

Well the rain is starting up again and so I guess that is as good a reason as any to end this post here. I so look forward to when the sun returns again.

Fun with Nan

Miserable

Today I gave in and was so miserable all day. Everything is just broken. I tried to fight it but honestly I did not have the strength to do so. I am just at my brink with the daily pressure and unhappiness. I do not feel secure. I try my best to comfort myself but don't really know how since whatever I do does not last very long. I just have nothing else to plug up the leaks with so everything is gushing out everywhere. I just stress cleaned in my house and it did help me a bit. I went through lots of paperwork while listening to the free 80's station. You should see all my bags of shredding. I did not binge, I have no appetite at all today. Actually I just want to cry and yet I cannot even do that. It seems like crying would at least make me feel some relief but it just won't come. I went to a free workshop yesterday. I was worried it was gonna be some wacky church or big sales pitch but it was not. It was 90 minutes and I am glad that I went. It was on re-inventing your life and they asked 10 questions. We worked on them together and I have been working on them since. I need and want to create a life vision but it is hard to see in the darkness. Today was a miserable day.

My Ego

"How do you let go of attachment to things? Don't even try. It's impossible. Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them. In the meantime, just be aware of your attachment to things."

I have to let Oscar go for a bit. It is just too hectic right now and I am too attached to him. NO I am not in love with him - I just seek from him things that I should find within myself - exactly as the quote above says. It is really difficult to battle my ego like this but I know in time it will subside. It is just the short run that is really difficult, like quitting smoking or something. He is a wonderful guy, I only want happiness from him. I need to let him go because if not I will ruin a very good friendship. I am so bad at letting things go though. My ego is too in control of me. With all the changes that I have been through - I figure now is as good a time as any to add another to the pile. We will be both stronger and better off in the long run. It is just an adjustment - that is all we need.

The Big Party

So the birthday people at the party were me and my nieces, Julia, Elliana and Jordan. Without prior contacting each other, me, Julia and Elliana all dressed the same -- how funny is that? I have the same shirt they are wearing but it says San Diego - if I was really good then I would had that on - not the $3 authentic Lacoste shirt I got at Salvation Army - score - but I was close enough.

The three girls were super excited over there gifts from me and then out came the cake ---- oooooh yum, yum, yum! So many good things about California but they do not have the same quality bakeries like they do back east! Jordan, the youngest, of course jumped the gun and blew out all the candles before anyone else had a chance to, so of course we all died laughing. I am so glad I went. I am so glad I cashed in those points at the last minute. Hurricane or no hurricane - it was awesome!

Heaven on Earth

When I die I want my ashed spread in front of Roma's Bakery in Woburn, MA --- it is absolutely my most favorite place on earth! While visiting MA I was a little indulgent foodwise and so did spin by Roma's for a halfmoon - fucking yummy! Not to worry since once I returned to SD I have gotten back on the wagon - hardcore. Because of the Labor Day I do not have to get weighed in again until 09.12 so I know I will be able to pull a great number that night! But the whole time I am working off my chunky buns I dream of Roma's.

Calm Before the Storm

Last weekend I was in MA. There is always a big family party because there are 4 of us with birthdays in August. I was going to skip it because of money concerns but I just could not - it would have been the first time ever not being with my family on my birthday. So I cashed in the last of my frequent flier miles. Of course everyone raves about New England weather when I am not there and they say it is just me, but the weather always sucks when I visit. This time was no different as Hurricane Irene came through at the same time as my trip. Luckily all went well and it did not affect my flights. On the Friday I got there I went to my sister's shop to get my haircut (apologies to my barber, Andy, but it was free). I snapped the pick below and was very pleased with how nice NH looked the day before a hurricane! My niece Jordan got her haircut at the same time and was sooooo thrilled to have "side bangs" - hell I would do the happy dance too if I could still have "side bangs".