Comfort Food

Really tough day today. I had a great interview with a nearby company Monday and for the first time in a while I actually got my hopes up. It did not pan out. They went with another candidate. I hate getting my hopes up, it just does such a job on my ego. Things just got worse from there. I binged today and probably ate about 2,800 calories. It is not a lack of discipline - sometimes I just do not know how else to soothe and comfort myself. But it is odd that something that takes me away from my weight loss goal is comforting. I do not over eat because I am a glutton. And it is not the food itself that soothes and comforts me - it is the feeling when I am completely full. Obviously when you eat that much food your body slows all functions so it can focus on digestion because it was just inundated. It is at that point that I feel comfort. When everything else is shut off, calm and stopped - just for a small bit of time.

I have tried to learn other ways to comfort myself, I really have since I am aware this is the problem but I always fall back to this - I always have. Nothing else seems to stick or become habit. I know as long as I get back in gear tomorrow then all is not lost. I am half way to my weight loss goal but this second half is going to be even harder than the first. I need to work on my self perception too. The first night I met Freddy I thought he was husky but not as big as me. Then when I sat next to him for the first time I was literally shocked to see that I am smaller than him. He was talking and I could barely focus since we were sitting very close and side by side and I could not believe it. It is not a negative against Freddy - he is fine, it has nothing to do with him - it has everything to do with me.

Perhaps it is that this such a challenging time in my life. I am glad for the positive changes I have made but then the tide of rejection rolls in and washes it away. I have tried to make everything so positive on my blog lately because I need that reminder. I need to see the positive. I need to smile. I will not let the negativity and rejection win though. I will solve and resolve this and I will be a better person for it. Today was a bad day - tomorrow I have the power to make it a great one and this is exactly what I intend on doing.