80s Album Covers

I have been playing a lot with Photoshop to learn it and although I have a ways to go - it is so fun. Although at this point everything I make looks like art for an 80's album cover - so funny. Here are two that I like. The one with the bar is from a picture I took of a local and very blue collar bar here in town. I so could see this being a Bruce album from the 80's. The second is a vintage picture that I found and totally turned into a Smiths album cover. So goofy of me, but at least I am learning!

Friday Video

This is Will Young's brand new single! I am not sure how long this will be up as I all the other videos have been blocked from the US because of copyright stuff. I have blogged before about how much I love Will. He is perfection, in every way. He is an amazing singer plus well dressed, good looking, and well spoken - he has it all. He is touring in the UK now which is fine as I know I cannot go. But I am glad he usually does not tour the US as it would kill me since I do not have the $ to go. I so remember riding the train alone in London out to Wembley to see him perform live. What a vivid memory - the anticipation, the excitement, being so far away from home and making it all happen. That is a great, great memory and this is a great song.

Waking Up Craziness

Tough night last night in the sleep department. As I have said before, I rarely dream or at least remember them anyway. Lately when I do dream it is a nightmare that wakes me up and so of course I remember those. Last night I had a nightmare and in it my mother was giving away lottery scratch tickets. I did not win anything on mine but my cousin, who I do not like very much, won $50,000 and my middle sister won $30,000. I am not sure that is a nightmare but I woke up crying. It was like 6am and not only was I crying my my heart was racing - it was very strange. I could feel my chest pounding from my heart and then I took my pulse and it was normal. I seriously wondered - Am I dead? I laid back down and took slow easy breaths and fell back asleep.

I woke up again at 9am and my right eye was killing me. It was red, teary and swollen. I tried to wash it out but the pain remained. I tried most of the morning not to think of it but it continued. Around noon I was worried because what if it was pink eye - I had it once before like 4 years ago. If it was pink eye and I did nothing about it today then I would not be able to see anyone until Monday. No money - no insurance - I never have trouble with my eyes, I was freaked out.

I called an opthamologist here in town and made an appointment for 3:30 - figuring if it got better on its own then I could just cancel. It did not get better. It cost $110, which I don't have, but I am glad I went. He did a full and complete exam. I have not had an eye exam in years. Luckily I do not have pink eye but he thinks when I went back to sleep my eyes were not completely closed and so they got dry and my eye lid stuck to my lens and when I opened my eyes again I tore away some of the cells - kinda like scraping your knee. He had samples so was able to give me medicated eye drops for free that will assist with it getting better quickly.

He also said that considering my age my vision was excellent. He acknowledged that I will need glasses at some point but that my vision was an A-. He advised that since we all end up at roughly the same place vision wise - do not be concerned if I have fine vision for a while longer but then when it goes declines quickly. He also told me that I was lucky as very few people have the same color eyes as me and he could see as he worked on them that they change color. He called it some scientific name and said although people think it common, it is actually rare. Odd but I thanked him. When my sight gets to the point where I need glasses, I will definitely go back to him - if I still live here.

What a bunch of fucking craziness. I swear even I cannot believe my threshold with all this insanity increasing regularly. I have been procrastinating the rest of the day going to the gym - I have been horrendous at going to the gym this week and am already dreading next Monday. But it is open 24 hours so once this is posted, I am forcing myself to go. I have to. Brightside: I have been learning photoshop. The picture on this blog I took of a mural downtown and I manipulated it so that it is completely different in color, sharpness and texture. Not too advanced but I think it came out well and I am going to keep teaching myself more as know that I have the power to create positive things.

Fuzzy Week

Having a challenging week. Everything is fuzzy and I cannot focus. I have been sleeping a lot. Perhaps it is a but of delayed depression. Perhaps it is just being tired of the constant strain and worry. Luckily it is only Thursday and I still have time to save it. I do work well under pressure but it doesn't mean I don't or can't falter. I am sure in a near future post I will be discussing how I pulled it together.

I Can See Clearly

Holy guacamole - I released another 3 pounds this week. I am now very close to my all-time lowest weight as an adult - which I will definitely be going below when I get to my goal. I was Loser of the Week last night and got my dollar and serenade too. I am so on track for Loser of the Month - yay, perhaps another pin for my sash soon. The pressure is on - I put it there myself. I know my goal, I want it and I will have it!

PS I was trying to be artsy when I took this self portrait. Hey at least I am not wearing that stripped shirt again.

I Love the Tango

There is a really great restaurant here in town called Tango. They have attached to it a wonderful bar with the best happy hour specials. It is totally one of my favorite places. I like to support it because it is local. Everyone I have ever brought there or recommended it to, love it as well. When Matt was here I invited Lily to join us for happy hour. It had been a while since I had seen her and I love Lily so much - and of course you know I love Matt. And even more of course, Lily loves Matt - as everyone does and Matt loves Lily - so it was this huge freaking love fest - sooooooo awesome. We had lots of laughs, some good food and just a wonderful time in each others company. An average ordinary event that yet is a great, great memory that I will always have to enjoy!

PS As you can tell from all the recent pictures that I have posted, the shirt I have on is totally my favorite shirt. I have one in black and one in blue. I bought them on clearance ages ago at Kohl's for $3.25 each. Vertical stripes are a wonderful thing :)

Do I Look Sad?

Yeah I did not think so either. I channeled that negativity yesterday into 60 minutes of zumba, 90 minutes on the elliptical, and 30 minutes of weights. Last week was tough enough so I am determined to make that scale move in the right direction on Monday night. So while I certainly want good things to come my way - well it does not mean that in the mean time that I cannot smile. Off to the gym I go.

Eyes on the Prize

Saw Freddy last night. Everything was fine. Then he later dumped me via text. I will tell you, this has been one helluva banner week. Seems he has built a comfort zone with his million friends and I scare him as I make him feel vulnerable. My thoughts on the topic? He cannot say a single bad word about me and I walk away knowing I am strong and resilient. I cannot help him with his fears. That is his battle to win. It was a nice mid point diversion but eyes on the prize baby - I have a job to find and 40 more pounds to release. Thanks and take care :)

This Week

1 Week and 2 "No's" - that sucks! For some reason I am being tested to see what the utter limits of my optimism are. I know I am giving it my absolute best and so therefore I cannot AND will not kick myself. There are already enough kicks coming my way. I have ten bucks cash in my pocket - no idea when the next check will come - so I bought lottery tickets. I figure the odds cannot be any worse so why not. It could happen - I could win - but even if I do not, well I will succeed as that is within my power and control. I just need to focus and muster up the strength. Ah plus worse case scenario - if I have nothing else to eat but these tickets - well at least they are high in fiber.

Art Attack

I like getting a surprise attack of art. You just never know when it is going to pop up so of course I always have my camera with me. I would hate to miss some of these opportunities.

Friday Video

Speechless as always when it comes to Maria McKee - so I will let her do all the talking, or singing I suppose is more appropriate. I ain't got much - but I have the ability to still enjoy - even if just a little. The fact that beauty like this exists should be enough in this fleeting world. Oh perhaps that is just my world.

Comfort Food

Really tough day today. I had a great interview with a nearby company Monday and for the first time in a while I actually got my hopes up. It did not pan out. They went with another candidate. I hate getting my hopes up, it just does such a job on my ego. Things just got worse from there. I binged today and probably ate about 2,800 calories. It is not a lack of discipline - sometimes I just do not know how else to soothe and comfort myself. But it is odd that something that takes me away from my weight loss goal is comforting. I do not over eat because I am a glutton. And it is not the food itself that soothes and comforts me - it is the feeling when I am completely full. Obviously when you eat that much food your body slows all functions so it can focus on digestion because it was just inundated. It is at that point that I feel comfort. When everything else is shut off, calm and stopped - just for a small bit of time.

I have tried to learn other ways to comfort myself, I really have since I am aware this is the problem but I always fall back to this - I always have. Nothing else seems to stick or become habit. I know as long as I get back in gear tomorrow then all is not lost. I am half way to my weight loss goal but this second half is going to be even harder than the first. I need to work on my self perception too. The first night I met Freddy I thought he was husky but not as big as me. Then when I sat next to him for the first time I was literally shocked to see that I am smaller than him. He was talking and I could barely focus since we were sitting very close and side by side and I could not believe it. It is not a negative against Freddy - he is fine, it has nothing to do with him - it has everything to do with me.

Perhaps it is that this such a challenging time in my life. I am glad for the positive changes I have made but then the tide of rejection rolls in and washes it away. I have tried to make everything so positive on my blog lately because I need that reminder. I need to see the positive. I need to smile. I will not let the negativity and rejection win though. I will solve and resolve this and I will be a better person for it. Today was a bad day - tomorrow I have the power to make it a great one and this is exactly what I intend on doing.

Let's Talk Some More About Me

Freddy's friend invited us to go out on the his boat this past Sunday. It was great. I love being on the bay and it was comfortable and enjoyable to be at Freddy's side. BUT how freaking good do I look in this picture??? How many pictures have I posted of me but how often do I say things like this? I truly have really nice eyes and a great smile. I am even having a great hair day, which believe it or not, is challenging for me to do.

Challenged But Still on Track

I ate really well and exercised a lot last week but it was still a tough week. I can tell when my body is fighting me but I am determined to keep it moving along. I lost 1 lb this week and am so proud of that 1 lb as I know how much I struggled for it and earned it. Only I can make changes in my life and so although I will resolve the jobless situation and it is priority number one, I am glad I have also funnelled my energy into this other positive change for me. I saw this wall in my town painted with the above large mural. It is so appropriate and an omen to keep working to get to where I want to be.

Friday Video

Well I know it seems I am trapped in the past but I really am not and here is the proof. This is a brand new single from a great band out of Canada. I still stay on top of these things and although there is so much uncertainty nowadays for me, I still greatly look forward to my future.

It Felt Good!

Sharlowe is awesome! She is part of my weight loss group. She has hit her goal and is KOPS as long as she maintains her weight, so she has to work as hard as anyone losing. She sent me a handmade and hand painted card which I just loved. If that was not enough, what she wrote was so sweet and motivational. I love her and you can see below what she wrote. Also in my group is Linda. Linda is doing amazing and has lost over 60 lbs but hit a plateau with just a few pounds left to go. I sent her a letter of encouragement to break through the plateau and the note she sent to me was so touching. Linda goes to Zumba with me and is always making me laugh, which is not hard to do at Zumba since I know how ridiculous we all look. I am motivated to see this through!

From Sharlowe:

Hey There MR. TOPS! So proud of your progress and determination in TOPS - and so glad you are in our chapter! I'm looking forward to standing by you for the KOPS pledge. Hope you are having a good, healthful week. Keep up the great work!

From Linda:

Dear Scott, That was the nicest message I have ever received. It is so nice to have someone come to TOPS who understands that thinking positive is the key to being successful in losing weight. It really is the key to anything you want to do or change in your life. I got kinda burned out after losing so much weight and going to TOPS and seeing everyone talking the talk but not losing but "YOU Inspire Me"! I am so close to my goal and it is seeing you work so hard that makes me want to continue my journey and to lose more! I love your sense of humor too and having laughs in Zumba makes all the sweating worthwhile. Thanks for being my TOPS and Zumba buddy!

Favourite Shirt

This evening I went to my 14th TOPS meeting and I lost 4 more pounds - yay. That is a total of 39 pounds - again yay! Not only did I get Loser of the Week (and my dollar) but they gave out awards for last month and I got three. I got one award for losing more than 10 pounds last month, one award for losing weight after coming back from a vacation (my recent trip to Boston) and one award for losing weight after a holiday (as there was no meeting on July 4th). They pinned my awards to me as you can kind of see below. I did not get loser of the month because you have to attend all the meetings and I missed one while in Boston. But that is ok as Mary got it instead and I love her. I told her to keep it up since the competition motivates me! I have already moved the awards on to my sash - yes I have a sash.

The other photo I took on Saturday for my mother. I was all excited because for the first time in ages my chest sticks out further than my stomach. She wanted a picture so I sent the below. I dug that shirt with the rainbow stripe out of a box of old clothes - as I am shopping in my own closet because it is cheaper than buying new clothes. I was excited that it fit so well. Although not a particularly special shirt, it is my new favorite shirt - which I guess does indeed make it a particularly special shirt.

I Cannot Believe It Is Back

When I first met my ex about 4 lifetimes ago he had a jacket that he wore frequently. As things progressed he was going to get rid of it. It was nothing special but I always admired it - I like corduroy. What can I say? I was kid in the 70's. I asked him if I could try it on first, he said sure, and it fit! I was so excited. In my perceptions, he was so tall and slim and I was such a chunky buns, The fact that something of his fit made me feel amazing. Sure it was way too big for him but your mind sees what it wants and so I kept it. I wore it a couple times. I enjoyed the feeling it gave me - smaller and close to him. Eventually while out here I ended up giving it to goodwill. It no longer fit and I did not want the reminder.

While I will never say that it is cold out here (even when it is) I normally do not go out at night with only shorts and flip flops on. Once the sun goes down, since there is usually low to no humidity, it does get a bit too chilly for me. Yesterday I saw Freddy. We went to a Saturday matinee to see Horrible Bosses as I wanted to see a silly and goofy summertime comedy plus I liked the premise of getting revenge on some truly horrid bosses. It was great - totally delivered such obvious laughs that we had no choice other than to enjoy. Freddy said my laughing was making him laugh too, that pleased me.

I stayed past sundown which I had not planned and I got a bit chilly. Freddy said he would give me a jacket to borrow. He walks back out with the - excuse the language - fucking jacket! I know it is a different jacket but exactly the same style and color and size. I put it on and it fit and I just sat there thinking how insane is my world. I could not say a word - how could I explain all of this and not seem like a nut job - but I knew I would be blogging about it later. It was not a bad moment. I know the circles my life goes it and that this stuff happens to me all the time. What does it all mean? I will tell you exactly what it means. It means I was chilly and Freddy was kind to let me borrow a jacket that fit well and made me feel comfortable and warm - nothing more. I can see the circles and a circle is not always bad but I cannot always decipher it. This one I got loud and clear - no need to decipher, just enjoy.

Friday Video

Back to the 60's we go because when I woke up this morning he was on my mind and although I have troubles and I have worries, I definitely have a feeling way down in my shoes that I have a rainbow. I love this song, always have and always will. Felt super positive today. I might even be as brash to say I felt on top of the world, but that is another song for another Friday.

PS I know I took liberty with the lyrics but with two simple changes from "to ramble" and "to move on" into "a rainbow" and "the moon" I made the song into a positive - damn I am like a freaking super hero!

PSS I keep watching this video and I LOVE this woman! Love the hair, the make up, the boots, the awesome way she does the pony, and the smile -- LOVE her! Plus the guy playing the acoustic guitar - HOT!

Blessing Realized

It has been humid all week long and since I do not have an air conditioned office to go to - wow have I really noticed it this year. But then the sun starts to set and immediately it feels so much better. I went out to the deck and was talking on the phone, listening to my headset, I even jumped some rope in the driveway (oh man!). I have been thinking about my blessings a lot lately and while on my deck it dawned on me - look what I am surrounded by and I have gotten to enjoy this for 4 years. How lucky am I? Sometimes the solitude can be a drawback but really, if I need to count a blessing I just need to look out my front door, from which this picture was literally taken. Of course it also motivated me. I am figuring this shit out and I am staying - somehow, someway.

Yay Matt

I always enjoy Matt's visits. I must say I usually have some drama happening - like leaving him to go back to MA, needing to go to hospital emergency room, and this time it was this crazy job search frustration. I was happy he was here though. He is a positive influence in my life and plus it was like living with a personal trainer for the week, for free! He makes me laugh so hard. I love that he saves his words so that he can drop them precisely when the fit perfect - less is definitely more. If there is one downfall it is that since I gab, gab, gab - he knows a little too much - perhaps enough to be dangerous. But then that creates a lot of insider jokes while out in public - but he that makes me feel special. Love you Matt!

July Fourth

Hope you are all enjoying a terrific Independence Day 2011. Freddy invited me to a BBQ and as tempted as I was, since I got to hang with him on both Saturday and Sunday, I decided to pass. Instead I sent out 12 resumes, went to the gym and tonight is Zumba and then I will walk down to the fireworks in the center of town. An enjoyable day for sure, plus productive as I burned calories instead of overloading on them. It seems I was very independent on this Independence Day - and it went wonderfully. Hope the same for you!

Not Enough?

I posted that video below of "Goodbye Girl" by Rumer and I just cannot get enough of it. For those of you who wonder how I came across it: I was looking at photos of the Glastonbury music festival in the UK and saw a photo of her set there. I was curious, as normal, so I looked her up on youtube. The song is insanely beautiful - plaintive for sure but it is so real. The way Rumer sings is amazing - she can carry that same sense of pain and melancoly without maudlin as Karen Carpenter. Then to top if off I watched Blue Valentine this weekend. A brilliant movie for sure and so my cup of tea as I love slice of life movies. But the husband in it, what was his downfall? That he loved his wife and daughter immensely and unconditionally? Really, that is a bad thing? I am not foolish - I know, I know love is not enough in this world - but it does not mean I have to agree with it. PS did I actually properly use both the words plaintive and maudlin in this post - jeez my parents would be proud.

All your life you've waited

For love to come and stay
And now that I have found you
You must not slip away
I know it's hard believing
The words you've heard before
But darling you must trust them
Just once more

'Cuz Baby, Goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you
Goodbye doesn't mean
We'll never be together again
If you wake up and I'm not there
I won't be long away
'Cuz the things you do my Goodbye Girl
Will bring me back to you

I know you've been taken
Afraid to hurt again
You fight the love you feel for me
Instead of giving in
But I can wait forever
Helping you to see
That I was meant for you
And you for me

'Cuz baby, Goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye
Doesn't mean we'll never be together again

Though we may be so far apart
You still will have my heart
So forget your past my Goodbye Girl
'Cuz now you're home at last

Friday Video

First off, how can I not love a song whose lyrics start with, "All your life you've waited for love to come and stay". So this song in an of itself is one that I have always loved. But this singer - she is amazing. I know some of you doubt my musical tastes but I posted about Adele back on 03.30.2008 and now look at her - so I think some credit is due to me. This song is so beautifully sung by Rumer. I cannot tell you how many times I have listened to it and cried. Perhaps odd that I love a song that makes me cry but in life everything exists in opposites. If you do not know sadness you cannot know happiness. And currently, I know a great deal of both.