Stuffed

As I said I am trying to get over a small cold so I relaxed most the day.  I did however go over to the diner for turkey dinner.  It was so good!  In addition to the above it came with a cup of clam chowder and a large fresh baked dinner roll.  It was so good and total comfort food, which I needed.  Among the many things I am thankful for, I am now thankful for such a wonderful meal today.

Hope

Wish you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving surrounded by friends, family and love!  I am fighting a bit of a cold so am relaxing today to prepare for the insanity that is Black Friday, although I definitely feel surrounded by love.  What I am most happy for is the hope that I have and which propels me forward.  I stumbled across these words yesterday by Emily Dickinson, the Belle of Amherst, who you know is one of my favorites.  Leave it to Emily, who rarely left her room, to remind me how tremendous and wonderful the world is.  Enjoy!

One More Step

I talked to my mom today and told her the whole nine yard and my plans.  Of course she wants to fix everything but she cannot so it is hard on her.  I know I am not a kid but I can only imagine as a parent, regardless of age, I am still always her kid.  I am ok with my plan and I am moving it forward.  It just kills me that she will worry.  That totally kills me.  I have always done everything in my power not to cause any worry to my family, ever.  And of course since I inherited her traits, I will worry that she is worried.  How crazy is that circle?  I let her know that I am not above asking for help so she need not worry.  She said she would try not to.  A kind but not believable lie on both sides..  All I am focused on is that when I pull out all of this then she will be even that much more proud of me - as I will too of myself cuz that nutty circle works in good ways too.

Going Forward

Well things are moving but it is stressful.  This finance stuff prays on my mind but I am doing my best to work it out.  I just get myself scared then I freeze then I snap out if it eventually and accomplish stuff but then I get scared all over again.  That is a very strange cycle and it lingers with me.  I need to commit to some decisions but it is hard for me to sign on the dotted line.  I know it is good for me and will open up my options but it doesn't mean it is not difficult.  I am ok though, I am in good spirits for the most part.  I need to make a better day time schedule for myself but my part time job is keeping me on track.  I am still dealing with the suddenness of losing my last job.  They unexpectedly let another manager go so there is something going on behind the curtain for sure.  I took care of some medical things this week, I go to the lawyer's again tomorrow and I need to explain this all to my mother.  That is a lot to end the week on but it all needs to be done.  I wish I could fast forward to the good parts but in reality I cannot get to the good parts with just a push of a button.  But that just makes me enjoy the good part all that much more.

Holding

Thank you for all your support.  I may not have heard from anyone at all from my last job after my sudden change but I did hear lots for you and that means the world to me.  True support from real friends!  But it also waters the seeds of "what I am I doing in California"?  I will have a small bit of time to ruminate on that as I have to solve some financial things which puts me into a holding pattern for a bit.  I also still have to tell my mother.  My parents were in FL and drove there so I did not want to spoil their vacation or have that weigh on their minds for the long drive home.  The should be home on Tuesday.  I am a little embarrassed and feeling like a failure that I cannot get myself steady but I do not beat myself up over it.  My biggest concern is that my mother worries so much.  She know inside I am cast iron.  She has seen it but she still worries and that upsets me.  I am the "good boy"  or at least always wanted to be and strive to be.  But I will talk to her soon.  So I am down but not out.  This is a big curve ball and I feel like I was kicked into the gutter and am not 100% sure why --- HOWEVER there are good things about the gutter.  Things seem more real here, I perform better under stress and the only view is spectacular as it is up and littered with stars.

Fixed It

On top of all the shit going on right now, I got pulled over by the police yesterday.  It seems BOTH my brake lights were out!  I had no idea because how can I see if my brake lights are working?  I was so worried because the last thing I need is to pay for a ticket.  The officer was actually very nice to me and he did give me a ticket but it is called a fix it ticket.  That means I need to fix the problem then go to the station to show that it was all set and I would not have to pay anything.  I know it is just changing a bulb but I do not know anything about car things so I went online.  I watched a video on how to change the bulb, see the internet is useful for more than just watching cat videos.  Then using the internet I found out what kind of bulbs to get and I bought them last night - only $6.47 for the two (including tax).  This morning I heard the landlord out in the yard.  After I watched the video I knew changing the bulbs would not be hard as long as I had the right screwdriver.  I was not sure if I had it but I know my landlord would so I went out and asked him and of course he did!  A power one too!  So lickety split I changed the bulbs and he confirmed for me that that were working.  Now I just have to show the police and I am all good!  I feel so good and accomplished today :)  See I had a problem - I was worried and nervous and yet I figured it out and got it fix plus have no problem asking for help.  I can do this, I know I can.  

Problems and Solutions

I got a great raise last April and then I picked up a part time job and was just thinking that I would be able to feel settled again.  Life comes with bumps and bruises and it has shaken me up yet again.  I now no longer have my full time job.  This is not the place for details but it came fast and quick and was a definite surprise.  It seems even before the surprise I was starting to wonder why I felt so much more validated, appreciated, empowered and productive at my part time job.  Now there is no need to wonder.  It really fucks things up but I will get it solved.  I do not currently know what that solution will be and I am terrified but I know that in order to get through this, I yet again, have to create some solutions for myself in order to have as many options as possible.  A lot of the solutions that immediately come to mind are not happy ones but in the end as long as I survive that I have accomplished what I need to do.  I know some folks that do not know me well think I am soft and emotional.  I admit that I have those aspects to me, no denying that, but in truth inside I am cast iron.  I can walk through fire without a grimace, I have done it before.  It is a survival mechanism that served me well many times.  Now I just have to conjure up the strength to move forward and create some solutions.

Day Off

As I was thinking about writing this post it dawned on me that a lot of you are single so I apologize in advance if this sounds like pissing and moaning.  I am tired.  I do not feel lonely I just feel tired.  No I am not tired because of my second job.  I like my second job a lot.  It goes by quick, helps out a great deal but also is a social outlet too.  I really enjoy the majority of people there.  I am just tired of having to solve everything myself, and do everything myself and take care of everything myself.  Sure the flip side is the sense of independence but it would be so nice to have someone to help pick up the slack or even better help keep me on track.  Just someone so that I know if I stumble it won't be a disaster since someone else will be able to keep it going and help me up.  I have a lot of friends - I know if I had a real bind they have and would help but people have their lives and so the day to day is up to me.  Just nice to have a day off at times.