8 Bucks

I go to a different gym location now as I like the set up there much better. The new gym location happens to be near a very large thrift shop that I rarely go to and so I wandered in there last week. I ended up spending 8 bucks -- 4 on a pair of used Cole Hann shoes for me and 4 on a band new with tags Marc Ecko belt for Oscar. Does not make me feel good to say this but even spending 8 bucks and getting a great deals makes me nervous. 8 bucks is a lot nowadays.

I have never bought used shoes but for casual shoes, they still had some life in them, plus they are Cole Hann's so I know they are made well. I took them home and cleaned them up and wore them. Not only were they super comfortable still, I even got a compliment. It all made me think - this is my first pair of Cole Hann's and my ex had a closet full of them when I left, and they were not purchased from the thrift shop. Honestly I rarely think of him but he does still pop up and probably always will. I felt a little annoyed thinking about his closet full of shoes and so I chided myself. It is so water under the bridge and so not worth it. Plus I made the decisions I did and took the actions I took and there is no changing it. I was not forced to dig through the clearance section for my $19.99 Rockport's - but I did and I made that decision and action. Whatever - I put it all aside and continued with my week.

Oscar's belt was atrocious - it was 3 years old and he really got every penny's worth out of it. When I saw this new Ecko belt with tags at the thrift store I knew it was perfect. The right size - which is so freaking small - plus it had snaps so that you can use different belt buckles with it and I know he has more than one belt buckle. What another great deal - even more exciting than my shoes. When I saw Oscar this weekend I gave him the belt - he immediately put it on and threw out his old one as new one fit perfect! To quote his exact words, "Muchas gracias, muchas gracias, muchas gracias, mi angel!". While definitely not living in the lap of luxury he certainly does not live in squalor either but he sincerely appreciates everything plus always expresses that appreciation. You would have thought I just gave him a porche. Sure it was a 30 dollar belt that I paid 4 bucks for but it is still just a belt. And I did not buy if for him to be his savior or look for a thank you. I bought it just because I knew he needed it.

It brought me back to my ex and his fucking shoes as that was the difference. Oscar - just my friend - appreciates everything and he tells me so and freely demonstrates it. It is all I ever wanted from my ex. I realize that it does not matter what you do as it will not guarantee the response from another that you may want. Also I certainly did not spend that long with my ex because I was only looking for a thank you - but at the end of the day a thank you is what I wanted. When the story was over and done and the book was closed - was a small bit of gratitude an excessive thing for me to look for. In this case, the answer was yes. I never got my thank you and I never will. Yet I certainly got plenty of hatred and placed on the lifelong grudge list. Plus I know, and he knows, what I did. Although I will never get my thank you - I do have gracious people in my life and so am really not that bad off at all. He will always have an ungrateful person in his life as he is that ungrateful person. I am happy I spent those 8 bucks.

Great!!!

My zumba instructor commented yesterday how great I am doing with zumba and my weight loss. She wants me to come twice weekly and gave me 10 free classes to motivate me. How awesome is that!!! I am so excited - it was so generous of her and kind. The comments alone would have made my day but 10 free classes - yay yay yay!

Sometimes the universe does work properly.

Crossroads

Well I went to my weight loss support group this week although I was worried. I binged again late, late on Sunday night. Sometimes I just do not know any other way to comfort myself. So I did gain 2 lbs this week. The group was surprised and yet so supportive that it reminded me it is a long journey and sometimes there will be small set backs but the point is to keep moving forward. I still felt accomplished too as I knew it would be negative news but I still went. I did not take the easy way out and duck the meeting. I also got news today that after 2 interviews for a great position that I have the perfect skillset for, I am 1 of 3 to make it to the final interview round next Wednesday. I have a week to prep and truthfully I am feeling like it is the ninth inning with 2 outs and I am at bat. I am going to absolutely give it my all but am trying not to get my hopes up to high as I fear the possible huge let down if it does not pan out. I am perfect for this job and now just need to convince the senior executive staff of the same. So onward and upward folks, I will keep you posted.

Bit of a Binge Day

Eeek - I really ate a lot today. I did go to the gym. And I cannot say that I ate horribly today but I did eat a lot - and if I said that twice then I really must have. At my weight loss support group in the pledge (yes there is a pledge and lots of songs) it says, "although I over eat in private my excess poundage is there for all the world to see..." I am really feeling that today but I truly believe tomorrow is another day. Plus I am in this for the long run so cannot expect to be perfect everyday. So I am not terribly down on it. I am actually happy I recognize it as I binge day and then getting back on track is so much better than falling off the wagon for day, weeks or even months. Plus I have 48 hours to super incredibly good before facing that scale. Fingers crossed - if you have not noticed that is my new mantra - fingers crossed. I am not 100% positive that is a very good life philosophy but it will have to work for now.

I Like Pictures

I always have my camera in my pocket and because I come across so many things that just intrigue me. Here around town this week - just doing my errands, I ran into two different murals. I am so sure people think who is this random guy taking photos of the sides of buildings, but I cannot help it. Here is a couple that really intrigued me this week.

Lyric Currently Stuck in my Head

What has happened to it all?
Crazy some say
Where is the life I recognize?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find.
And as I make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive .

"Ordinary World" by Duran Duran

I Want This!

I loved the Royal Wedding! I bought it hook, line and sinker and watched the entire thing live right up to the kisses on the balcony. You could feel and see their happiness and joy and it made me feel good. Plus I loved all the pageantry and rituals that went along with it. Not to mention if Kate the commoner can marry herself a prince - well then it gives me hope. My favorite was Princess Beatrice's hat and now it is on sale on eBay. I loved this hat, or facinator as it is really called. I think Beatrice showed both style and guts to wear this and she pulled it off so bravo! It is currently going for about $30k on ebay but I was thinking if you all pitch in then it would make the perfect birthday present. Plus you know I would wear it - always! Think about it! I am sure if I wore this to a job interview then I would absolutely seal the deal.

Misc

I am trying my best to keep posts going but honestly I find it difficult. I mostly focus on my job search and or about being unemployed so feel it hard to think of things to say. I have another interview tomorrow - it is for a great job with a good company and I completely have the skill set but I am nervous. My ego just keeps getting smashed with each "no" and it is hard for me to keep moving forward without being able to seal the deal. I have prepared though and will go in tomorrow with my best foot forward - I have to. I don't know, perhaps there is a lesson in all this or at least a reason. I am not sure I believe in things like that but I have not been so focused on my weight and health in ages. Last Monday at my weight loss group meeting, I lost 1 lb. I was so proud as I know how hard I fought for that 1 lb and to keep motivated when a lot of times as of late I just want to give up on everything, but progress is progress and that is terrific. Maybe I needed this time not only to improve my health but also fully realize the power I possess. Last November I took this shot of my shadow as I thought it would make a cool picture. After I took the shot I was horrified, look how big I am. Look at my total apple shape! I knew then I needed to work on it but had no energy as I was just trying to survive the hell I was in. Now although I have work still to do on my weight- I know my shadow and me as well, look much better. I do everything I can to look on the bright side and stay positive and trust me shopping in my very own closet is a very positive experience.

Every Sunday

This is where my coffee group meets on Sundays. It is the oddest cafe down in Hillcrest in San Diego. The front is like an artist's space and the back is an open stage where people can have meetings, read poetry, play music or just have an open mike. I really enjoy my coffee group, although as you know I do not drink coffee and only ever get a bottle of water. It is nice to be around a welcoming group of peers and just get a chance to relax, gab if I want and enjoy. I should have joined this long ago but better late than never.

Surprised

I have known Oscar for a while now. He is a good guy and I like that I can go out and have a good time and know that it will be fun and I will be safe - regardless of how much I do or do not drink. He is his own person and does as he wishes - as do I - we are just friends but he told me something the other day that surprised me. He is always polite and well spoken and never complains about anything but the other day he said to me that before me met me he did not always have food everyday. He has a job but if there is no work then they tell him that when he gets there and then there is no pay. When I see deals I usually pick some up for him too - like granola bars from the dollar store, bread and bagels from the outlet store or loss leader items from the grocery store (you know the cheap items they advertise on the front of grocery store fliers). It does not matter what I give him he is always gracious. Sometimes we go out to eat - he loves Carls Jr. Although there are a million Carls Jr's in California - the only one I have ever been to is in Mexico. For 10 bucks he gets a large combo meal and I get a plain burger and water. I guess it surprises me as although I know him very well I forget how very different our lives are. And like I said - he is always gracious and never complains - reminds me that I need to count my blessings. This is just a short and silly video. I told him to speak and he is asking what I want him to say and then he realizes I am shooting a video.

I am so Jealous

The lilacs are in bloom back in MA and I am so jealous. Lilacs are my favorite and we do not have them out here. When I was growing up, we used to have a big bush of them alongside of the house. They were up against my grandmother's window and while they only bloom for such a short while - I remember vividly how great they made her room smell. It was wonderful. This is the lilac bush in Jane's yard. So awesome. I miss lilacs.

Bunch of Crazies!!!

I think it is great that we finally got bin Laden. While it is not the end of terrorism or the war on terror, it certainly is not a bad thing to accomplish cutting off the head of the snake. I am glad there has been no immediate repercussions but I do worry something, someday will be headed our way but isn't that always the case. The part that just killed me were the crazies on talk radio. I know that I am just as crazy as the crazies for listening to talk radio, but I cannot help myself. OMG every conspiracy theorist was out in FULL force. They all wanted pictures as they did not believe Obama and thought it just a relations stunt. Really?!? Not once did it dawn on any of them that if it were all a lie and bin Laden was alive -don't you think it would have been the greatest gift ever! bin Laden would have been all over the place saying look how dumb Americans are, I am not dead. Luckily al Quieda put out a confirmation of the death but I seriously am more worried about the crazies here in my own countries than those in the middle east!

PS I took this picture here in town. I love this and it has been up as long as I have been here and probably many years more before that. Bright side is that is it demonstrates we are not all crazies.

Klutsy

Ouch - my niece broke her arm! She was walking to the bus, gabbing with friends, not paying attention and tripped over her own feet --- omg I am her uncle aren't I??? Poor thing, I think it is all genetic. Well she is happy at least since her cast is pink, everyone will be able to sign it and she got out of a math quiz - yay. I guess those are super reasons to be happy at 6 years old but man wait until that bugger starts getting itchy.

Americans Love to Make Stuff Up

I hope you had a wonderful Cinco de Mayo. While there was a famous battle in Mexico on that day - it really is a made up American thing, kinda like St. Patrick's Day. Perhaps it gives Americans - since we are a melting pot - a chance to enjoy others. It is not such a bad thing since normally Americans can be so geocentric and forgetful of how big the world is. Jane's daughter made two things in celebration of Cinco de Mayo at school. First is a poncho made from a paper bag - which I quickly christened as "bago-o de mayo" and second is a seed landscape made of quinoa, corn and red peppers. The landscape is cool as it really does look like the landscape here - well done - plus I keep thinking it would be good to eat :) I only wish she was modeling the bag-o - how awesome would that have been - lol.

TOPS Meeting #7

I went to my weight loss meeting tonight and lost 5.6 lbs this past week - woohoo! I was really fucking stressed last week and so I worked very hard at it - very hard. I had to channel that nervous energy into a positive area. I was still utterly surprised, plus as I said below, I had Chinese food yesterday too! Well I won my dollar for being "loser of the week" and everyone sang to me. It turns me sooooo red but I love it. Then they gave out awards for April. I ended up being "loser of the month"!!! So funny - kinda appropriate in general (LOL) and I was thrilled. They presented me with this very girl scout looking green sash with a special Mr. TOPS pin - PLUS they also sang me a special song. It was really sweet and my face could not possibly get any more red. I have lost a total of 20.4 lbs which I am proud of. I know that I have a long road to go but with the support of these ladies, I know I can do it.

Coffee Club

Around the same time as I joined my weight loss group, I also joined a club for gay men 40 years old and older. We meet each Sunday at a coffee shop/artist's space in Hillcrest and just gab for an hour an a half. Truth be told I am the only one in my 40's and I am generous to describe most of other men as 50 years old and up. Well turns out that I enjoy the group a lot. It is good to be with other gay men around my age and it usually fluctuates between 8 and 14 attendees. It has lots of characters like Bill who is so flamboyant, chatty and witty - then there is Van the pot smoking, nudist, radical, and Johnnie who is a quiet, well mannered Filipino man. They have not noticed yet that I do not drink coffee(LOL) I always just buy a bottle of water. Usually they go out to eat after the 90 minutes of chatting. I always politely declined dinner, which they did notice, but only because I am worried about going out to eat in general. Portion control is a main key to weight loss but I am not too good at it in a restaurant so I was to afraid to go out to eat and end up eating too much. On Easter I decided it would be nice to go with them as how great is it to have dinner with friends on Easter. Well went to a diner and I got the turkey dinner special. I tried to be good but I did eat most of my dinner which was large. Bill commented on the amount of food I ate. It was not mean spirited but I was personally humiliated. To feel I am over eating is one thing but to have someone comment on it at all - well it was disheartening. My weight loss meetings are on Monday's and I did still lose weight on the next day so I was pleased to a degree. I did wonder if I could have done better and perhaps I could but I could not let any of this stop the momentum. Yesterday after our meeting they were going to get Chinese food. I wanted to go as I cannot find good Chinese here at all but the thought made me very nervous and I started to sweat. I still agreed and I went. I got a half order of cashew chicken and brown rice. I felt I did really well. The food was actually very good and I did not eat everything on the plate but I was definitely full. Plus there were no comments this time - yay. As I said, his comment last week was very innocuous - not malicious at all. I made no response as to how much it stuck me but felt so much more accomplished at the Chinese restaurant this week. Man I wish I could just go out to eat like normal people! I was internally giving myself some pats on the back yesterday when the kicker came - my fortune read: "You will soon have the opportunity to improve your finances". I have never wanted so bad in my life for a fortune to come true!

Shit My Pants

Hey there. I am doing my absolute best and I want to stay bright and sunny but truthfully it is hard to do so when I am a nervous wreck. Plus honestly here are the 3 things I do: job search; exercise, and worry. It does not give me much to speak about. I have never been a person that regularly dreams when I sleep at night but lately I have nightmares - ones that wake me from my sleep. The other night I had a nightmare and it woke me up and I had to go and throw up. I try so hard to count my blessings. I know how much my family and friends love me. I have a disaster plan in place. I have a timeline. I know in worse case scenario I have to pull that rip cord. I am doing what I need to do but it is really getting difficult. I am not being dramatic or nutty. I just am doing my best to cope and get through this. I can only imagine if I had kids or a mortgage! I will try to perk up and post as light hearted as I can but on the other hand I am a real person. I have a full range of emotion - both good and bad and they need to be equally expressed.