I Weigh 281lbs

I have a couple things I wanted to post but time just has gotten the best of me lately so I hope to post more early this week. As for my weight, I am pleased with my second week results. Normally an atrocious week, I was prepared for possibly no change but squeaked off 4 lbs. I am happy with this and realize that I have a long, long road to continue down. Good news is that I hoped to be 280 by Christmas Eve with the family so that I would feel a bit more comfortable with myself. I now have revised that goal to 275 and truly think I can make it. Please forgive my matter of factness about this all - I do not know how else to get it out there. Even in writting, I could never express how extremely challenging this is to myself to post this info each week. My weight is a shameful thing for me and always has been. I am working hard in therapy to untangle all those things. Oh sure I understand don't judge a book by its cover and that I have much better qualities than just my size that people are drawn to. But I do not love my size or appearance. I am not happy or comfortable with it and rarely have been. Working to get to the bottom of what this is all about (meaning more than just poor food choices) is the hardest thing I have ever done. Makes shitting my pants when I had no job seem like a birthday party. For as safe as I feel with Joseph I still do not like talking about it and dread seeing him. Luckily one of my issues is, to a fault is that I can just pull up my boot straps and get through anything. It is a remarkable skill at times but like any positive, to the extreme it becomes a negative. Plus I normally go it alone. It is my cross and I will deal with it. I know reading my blog it seems like I am open but I am not. I am glad I have this outlet. I promise to post some more light hearted stuff soon but for tonight I go to bed very sleepy and looking forward to week number three.