Here He Is

This is Jonathan. I got to see him twice while visiting for Christmas. He is still all scrunched up and baby like but he is sweet. Good boy too, not one sound from him as he just snoozed most of the holiday away.

Genetics

Here is my niece Marina. She won the gene pool lottery and got my personality. Time will tell if that is a blessing or a curse. In the meantime, man do we laugh a lot together. She slept over my parents house on 12.23 so she could be the first to see me on 12.24 - how very sweet and cool is that!

Perdido y Encontrado

I lost my Spanish tutor. He was really good and I was happy with my progress. He was very reliable and took it seriously, although he did laugh at me a lot. Well he sent me this strange email that he suddenly moved to NYC - kinda odd but he was kinda odd in general, albeit still a great Spanish teacher. Plus we all know my inexplicable affinity to "kinda odd". Well cuidate to him -- Michelle be on the lookout! I did though turn a negative into a positive. I asked mister as I have always known he has the best bilingual skills of anyone one I personally know and he said yes, very enthusiastically. I never asked him because I feel awkward to speak Spanish in front of someone I know - hence the reason I can just blab on and on to people in TJ. So I will get to continue my progress, get better at speaking Spanish in front of people I know, and will see mister. Miguel will be missed but I know he will do great and I am happy how this all turned out.

I Didn't Forget

I decided as a small Christmas present to take a break from yesterday's weight post only. Everyone says I should not be so hard on myself so I made that decision even before I landed in Boston. Instead I focused on my family and friends and having a truly wonderful Christmas and boy was mission was accomplished. I am now back home and on the wagon again -- this journey is far from over. It is funny I have been talking a lot too about times so long ago as I get to the bottom of all this. While back east I walked a lot just like many years before. It was strange to see their house's - it was like walking in a memory. My memory is really not at all times as bad as I tell people. It actually can be vivid and constantly present. My age and I still could not shake the old worries although I know it is 2009. Anyway - I got some great stories and pics - will post them soon.

The Weary World Rejoices

Merry Christmas! I truly love you all.

I Just Keep Repeating, "But I Get To See My Family"

Boston

San Diego

Thank You Celeste!

Hi there Celeste - I got your Christmas card and it put an incredibly large smile on my face. One it is great to hear you are doing well - you looked like you are having a blast on the trike with Mike (that picture just rocks)! Secondly your words of encouragement were especially touching. Sometimes I forget that people other than me actually view this and to know that you do and hear you support me is phenomenal! So many, many great things in my life are connected to Lechmere and you are definitely one of them. You are an incredibly special person in this huge world of average people. I wish you and all your family a beautiful Christmas!

Did I Mention....

I have been so wound up lately with my issues that I do not think I mentioned that on December 11th my brother and sister-in-law welcomed their 3rd son! His name is Jonathan and he was born at 7:26am weighing in at 8lbs 5 ozs and 21.5 inches. I am thrilled to go visit the family for Christmas but am especially happy to go meet my new nephew for the first time!

I Weigh 278 lbs

Not bad - I am not disappointed in this as slow and steady wins the race. I have to be patient and pace myself and remember the bigger picture at all times. It gets very difficult but I am still determined and that is what propels me. I am a little worried about while I am away for Christmas but will try my best to at least not gain any weight. This is definitely going to be a very strong challenge. Wish me success!

Walk Alone

I wanted to hear some Christmas music because I just love it. I got a last minute deal to see the Ten Tenors in San Diego so I went last Sunday to the matinee. I had an awesome seat at an amazing price. Of course they sang my favorite, O Holy Night, but they also sang some opera, song oldies, and even some 80s! But this song got to me the most. I was sitting there alone and confess I felt a twinge of loneliness in the thought that I wish someone else was here to enjoy this with me. Then when they sang this song and they finally got some water works out of me. I remember the first time I heard it was at a production of Carousel at the North Shore Music Theatre. I remember how moved I was and how happy I was not alone. Although thinking back upon it, perhaps I was more alone than I was on this past Sunday. I am so happy I went on Sunday and I cannot wait for Christmas. Definitely click below and enjoy this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuJIisAJddg

White Elephant

Because it was on my resume that at my old company I ran the social organization, my new company immediately put me in charge of all things social. Every even Friday we have a BBQ lunch and every odd Friday we have a wine and beer happy hour - now courtesy of me. Of course they also turned over the Holiday Party to me to. It was last Saturday and I must say it was awesome! I got a great room at a terrific restaurant near by. Invited we both employees and their families. Had great food, open bar, a balloon guy, people making crazy hats, a live singer that people clapped for because they enjoyed him so much, live floral decorations to die for and gave a box of cookies to everyone that had our company logo both on the band around the box and embossed in the chocolate covering on the cookies themselves. A lot of work but a really fabu time and I know everyone definitely knows who I am. The HR woman wanted to have a White Elephant swap. I dunno, it is kinda like a Yankee Swap but you are supposed to get something old, odd or funny - so I was told. I figured I would go down to my landlord's shop and rummage around and if I found something it would be great since it would be unique and also help support her shop. Well pictured above is the treasure I unearthed. I was immediately draw to it since it was simultaneously completely atrocious and amazing in equal amounts. I have no idea what it is. It is about a foot high and the base was heavy polished metal and the dish was glass. Well everyone else decided to go the serious route and so when they opened my gift people were speechless. I was a tad embarrassed but then it became the gift not to get stuck with. In the end the guy that got stuck with it finally used it to drink wine out of for the rest of the night. So bizarre. He brought it in today and put it one the coffee table in the main area for all to enjoy. Oh what a site. I only wish it squirted water out of its mouth.

I Weigh 281lbs

I have a couple things I wanted to post but time just has gotten the best of me lately so I hope to post more early this week. As for my weight, I am pleased with my second week results. Normally an atrocious week, I was prepared for possibly no change but squeaked off 4 lbs. I am happy with this and realize that I have a long, long road to continue down. Good news is that I hoped to be 280 by Christmas Eve with the family so that I would feel a bit more comfortable with myself. I now have revised that goal to 275 and truly think I can make it. Please forgive my matter of factness about this all - I do not know how else to get it out there. Even in writting, I could never express how extremely challenging this is to myself to post this info each week. My weight is a shameful thing for me and always has been. I am working hard in therapy to untangle all those things. Oh sure I understand don't judge a book by its cover and that I have much better qualities than just my size that people are drawn to. But I do not love my size or appearance. I am not happy or comfortable with it and rarely have been. Working to get to the bottom of what this is all about (meaning more than just poor food choices) is the hardest thing I have ever done. Makes shitting my pants when I had no job seem like a birthday party. For as safe as I feel with Joseph I still do not like talking about it and dread seeing him. Luckily one of my issues is, to a fault is that I can just pull up my boot straps and get through anything. It is a remarkable skill at times but like any positive, to the extreme it becomes a negative. Plus I normally go it alone. It is my cross and I will deal with it. I know reading my blog it seems like I am open but I am not. I am glad I have this outlet. I promise to post some more light hearted stuff soon but for tonight I go to bed very sleepy and looking forward to week number three.

Oh Mister

He came to me with joy in his heart and a smile on his face. He told me good news and I was happy for him, truly. I want for him a world of only happiness for him, although I know it is not possible. Yet through my sympathetic happiness, I was upset. I knew this change would come someday and I foolishly wished it never would so I had not prepared and never imagined the wound would be so deep. This change, not his happiness, selfishly and deeply upset me. I hated myself for being upset but he knew nothing of this only my complete support and encouragement.

He returned to me broken hearted and with tears in his eyes. He who is so undaunted by the world, so refusing to give into to its many challenges, he was defeated. The change tore me apart but this, his pain, shredded me. I naively want to protect him when I know there is no protection. Instead I did the second best and provided comfort. Not with many words - mostly by sitting by his side and tyring to find quiet in the silence.

Love It!

Kym's comment on my previous post: Scott, I know you can do this. I'd like to see you closer to the 200lb mark. I want you in my life for many more years!Some tips for you: drink a big glass of water 20 minutes before each meal. Don't eat while reading, watching tv or standing (be present and enjoy your food). Keep snacks like raw nuts, cut up vegetables and fruit at your desk. I have a bowl of fruit at my desk with raw walnuts and almonds to snack on.Drop the DIET soda - very very bad for you.Your daily walking is a fantastic idea! Make sure you're getting your heart rate up.Drop me a line if you want more tips - I have many!

Scott's reply: I appreciate this so much. I would love to see me around the 200lb mark as well however I cannot set goals like that. The way I lost a large amount of weight before was by setting a goal that was not simple but within my grasp and once there resetting it. The thought of trying to lose 85lbs is daunting but the thought of 20 then 20 more, and 20 more after that - well I know myself and I need that kind of reward and incentive to make this viable. Your tips are great and I have been doing some and will put the others in action. I like the idea of being present and enjoying my food! I highly value your input, suggestions and support. I am sure I will continue to lean on you, thank you! I have always admired how well you have taken care of yourself and hence the reason you look 10 years plus younger than your age.

I Weigh 285lbs

I had a fantastic start this week. The first week is always great but I was still especially pleased - the key is keeping this momentum moving. I ate so much better this week and worked in a lot of exercise. I made sure to walk everyday at work so even if I did not get to the gym that night I still have exercised each day. I still went to the gym a bunch but I also rode my bike. I went downtown and did errands and figured burning calories was a better idea than burning gas so I grabbed my knapsack and jumped on my bike. Unexpectedly I found a good deal on a large bunch of cut flowers so I put them in my knapsack and went on my way. I can only image what people were thinking as I buzzed by with a huge bunch of flowers peaking out of my bag. It was probably something along the lines of - oh there is that crazy again. Anyway last Sunday I set a goal of 280lbs by Christmas, so I am well on the way and possibly may need to revise that. Time will tell but here comes week two which is always a momentum killer. Could possibly be little to know weight loss as my body adjusts. However I am going to continue this.

Russell

There is a new guy at work, Russell. He is an application scientist and has been there for two weeks. He kinda looks like a quarterback - kinda like Tom Brady's build and has the mind of Einstein. He is in my marketing group and he is very pleasant and nice enough to talk with, we had a couple enjoyable chats. Well tonight after 5 he approaches me and asks me if I like fashion. Ok now I am intrigued. He told me he was at the Kenneth Cole Store and found out about this secret 50% off sale. We then went on to chat about skinny guys, low rise jeans, and the challenge with finding well fitting clothes although his challenge is much, much different than mine. Somehow we ended up making plans to go to the sale together. I am not crushing on him at all so why do I even mention this? Well it was an incredibly sweet gesture since afterward I realized - he totally looked for some type of mutual interest to discuss with me so he could instigate a better working relationship. Way impressive. Memo to self - Russell is a nice guy but also a smart one too, watch and learn.

I Am Still Not Joining

I get so many requests to join FB. Lately some of the requests have been compelling and indeed made me curious. I thought perhaps I should join, or at least check it out. Late one night I went on and checked it out. Some what interesting - nothing really wowzing but I know you have to be a full member of the cult to experience all its glory. Well of course I strayed and looked up the ex. I only saw the photo and needed to go no further. In the he said he said game - he told me I had never done nothing for him and I told him I supported him during two unemployment episodes, helped him look for, apply to and PAY for school, look for and interview for new jobs and most of all actually assisted him in getting style. I dunno who really won that game as I am still going on about it. I can recognize my flaws. Why am I ranting? Well in the pic he, which was newer as I never saw it before - he was wearing a shirt that I gave him. Three years later and still his only clothes with style I purchased. I know - get the fuck over it but trust me I really only bring it to this forum as it satiated my FB curiosity - the answer is no. If I am going to join a club it will be Hair Club for Men all the way for me baby. I think me rocking a 'fro would be much more enjoyable.