Something Serious

I really do not like my new job environment. I know this is a public space so will not write too much detail but I have not encountered anything like this ever. Hostile is the appropriate word for it and I am not exaggerating. So it has stressed me out and shut me down. One of the survival tactics I have used throughout my entire life is to hold tight. I have employed it in many, many situations to withstand and take as many punches and kicks thrown at me, in both the figurative and LITERAL senses. I can be come cast iron - it is an amazing thing and has saved me many times. However that cast iron mode takes a lot of energy and only serves to get me through the pain, not past it. Since I feel under attack I have gone into that mode and it has drained my energy. I work, eat and sleep for the most part. I go out once a week to Spanish class and then on Friday or Saturday night go out and drink to forget the week. Monday it all starts again.

I am glad that I have this ability but I cannot just stand here forever - frozen with the bruises just compiling up on each other. I need to get to action mode. Summons up my courage. Heal the bruises to my self-esteem and get the hell out of there. But I am tired, which I know is such a poor excuse and allows the attack to continue. But I also know I can do it. I just have to muster up the strength, grapple with my fears, and move forward.

I have started to assemble the troops. I know I cannot stay and I know the most drastic outcome is to sell my stuff and move back to MA with my parents. So plan A (staying at this job) is out of the question and plan C is my disaster plan - worst case scenario IF all else fails. I am glad I have a plan C - I am lucky to have that option but now I must work on plan B. Plan B is to find another job with a better environment where I am happy and contribute to my full potential. Plan B is a lot of work and a difficult ride to get on - change always is but man how much change have I been through these past 4 or 5 years and I am still me.

So, I am sorry if my posts have been spotty -- again cast iron mode take A LOT of energy. I love this blog and although I am not the most poetic or insightful guy and a lot of the times I am just indulgent and silly - but that is a gift. Small moments make me happy and so I enjoy them and so they are not insignificant. Oscar Wilde has written along the lines of how small moment steal away your life one second at a time -- I think the small moments create my life one second at a time.