Happy Halloween

Nothing big or crazy this year - like last year's awesome trip to New Orleans. I live in the middle of nowhere so no trick or treaters either. But it is all good - I still love Halloween. Hope everyone had a great one!

Something Enjoyable

This is Oscar. Below I wrote that lately I just work, eat and sleep. Then once a week a go to Spanish class and then either on Friday or Saturday night I go out. As of late when I do go out, I go out with Oscar. I know what people think and honestly I do not give a fuck. Perhaps it can be said it is distracting me from getting to where I want to be and that is one point of view. I see it as helping me get through what I need to get through. He is a nice kid - no games no BS - I seek nothing from him other than to put everything aside for a couple hours a week and he asks nothing of me in return. He is dependable, fun, and smart. He helps me practice my Spanish, feel alive and makes me smile. Those or very big needs of mine and I am happy he is around.

Something Serious

I really do not like my new job environment. I know this is a public space so will not write too much detail but I have not encountered anything like this ever. Hostile is the appropriate word for it and I am not exaggerating. So it has stressed me out and shut me down. One of the survival tactics I have used throughout my entire life is to hold tight. I have employed it in many, many situations to withstand and take as many punches and kicks thrown at me, in both the figurative and LITERAL senses. I can be come cast iron - it is an amazing thing and has saved me many times. However that cast iron mode takes a lot of energy and only serves to get me through the pain, not past it. Since I feel under attack I have gone into that mode and it has drained my energy. I work, eat and sleep for the most part. I go out once a week to Spanish class and then on Friday or Saturday night go out and drink to forget the week. Monday it all starts again.

I am glad that I have this ability but I cannot just stand here forever - frozen with the bruises just compiling up on each other. I need to get to action mode. Summons up my courage. Heal the bruises to my self-esteem and get the hell out of there. But I am tired, which I know is such a poor excuse and allows the attack to continue. But I also know I can do it. I just have to muster up the strength, grapple with my fears, and move forward.

I have started to assemble the troops. I know I cannot stay and I know the most drastic outcome is to sell my stuff and move back to MA with my parents. So plan A (staying at this job) is out of the question and plan C is my disaster plan - worst case scenario IF all else fails. I am glad I have a plan C - I am lucky to have that option but now I must work on plan B. Plan B is to find another job with a better environment where I am happy and contribute to my full potential. Plan B is a lot of work and a difficult ride to get on - change always is but man how much change have I been through these past 4 or 5 years and I am still me.

So, I am sorry if my posts have been spotty -- again cast iron mode take A LOT of energy. I love this blog and although I am not the most poetic or insightful guy and a lot of the times I am just indulgent and silly - but that is a gift. Small moments make me happy and so I enjoy them and so they are not insignificant. Oscar Wilde has written along the lines of how small moment steal away your life one second at a time -- I think the small moments create my life one second at a time.

Something Funny

I don't like the office - I had never seen a full episode but it's just bad. Stave Carell falls into the same category as Robin Williams and Jim Carey - which means he grates my nerves. I don't watch 30 Rock too much but wanted to see the live show they had recently out of curiosity. After I just left it on and watched the office. The episode was about the boss having a cold sore and finding out cold sores are herpes and calling his ex-girlfriends. It was stupid but I watched it. The only thing that made it funny was that when I went to work the next day JuanCarlos had a cold sore. I had never seen him with one and was surprised. I asked him if he saw the office last night but he had not. I asked him if he knew a cold sore was caused by herpes - he did not. Then he proceed to tell me how bad his wife gets them and his mother and brother and everyone. It started freaking him out a bit. I could not help it - I was laughing. Not at him but just the fact that I was living in a real life sitcom - that was what was making me laugh. Poor JuanCarlos - he such a good guy but I freaked him out.

Side note -- once I had something on my lip and my ex freaked out. He was so upset with me. He really got mad wanting to know why I was getting cold sores when I never got them before. I was all confused - I did not know why I was getting one (although stress does trigger them lol). My parents get them all the time - always have - especially my mother. So it is a surprise that I do not get them, although it is not like I french kiss my mother - HA. My bother (the good son) he gets them too which brings me a small bit of joy. Well the ex was really mad at me - gave me a big hassle. He thought I was up to bad things. Yes that is me, Casanova - running all around town. Turned out that thing on my lip was a pimple. You ever get one of those - right on the edge of your lip? So messed up and painful. He was happy it turned out just to be a pimple but he never apologized.

Serious -- did I really just post all this about cold sores and pimples??? I am struggling for content here people. I wanted to write about how funny it was to have my life mimic a sitcom but boy did I get off tangent.

What A Great Teacher

I started back up Spanish classes with Rick. He is such a great teacher. Of course because I am with Rick I want to just be silly but actually I focus and am learning a lot. He is patient and keeps me rounded in plus is great at explaining things. Sometimes I am such a child and use the word "why" way too much. My verbs are coming along nicely but the best part is usually we go out after for an adventure. After class this week we went to a Chinese restaurant in North Park called Chop Suey. It has this elaborate facade so I have been dying to go to it for ages. Turns out it has been there since 1933! It was built just after they put in the art deco theatre next door. That is kinda cool - actually way cool. Of course this is California so the food sucked but the story and the company were great - so I loved it!

Yay Another Day

I don't know how or why but today was a better day than yesterday. Humans are just remarkable like that! I rained all day today - I mean really rained. That is so strange for out here. It weirds people out but I like the change. Nothing amazing happened today and although I am not jumping for joy - I do have a small sense of happiness today. I just do the best I can.

10.18.10

Today was a horrid day. Nothing went right and nothing got any better. I just took a percocet and I am about to turn off all the lights and figure out how to convince myself that tomorrow is a new day with a new start and new potential. I mean how many times can I tell myself that. It is craziness to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Although I read a story about a guy that played the same exact lottery numbers every day for 9 years and then won millions. He did the same thing every day with conviction and one day he got drastically different results. Well I am going to let everything go for today. I will take a deep breath and see what I can muster up for tomorrow. Good night.

Oscar's Favorite Song

Such a strange song and funny video. It is a bit addicting and Oscar loves it. I have real things to say and write about but instead I will just let my brain take a break and play this instead. i don't even know what it is about but it works.

Thinking of You

Racial Profiling

I was craving KFC today. It is so bad for you but it happens. Instead I went to Church's to try them out as I have never been there. What an experience! Honestly the woman in front of me ordered 50 pieces - I was like is this chicken or crack? But what got me is that the cashier asked everyone else in Spanish if they wanted, "Picoso o Original (Spicy or Original)". When ordered I did not get the same question everyone else did - instead I just got handed my order, "Original" flavor. I totally noticed that I was racially profiled however as I devoured my crack - I mean fried chicken - well I did not mind at all. The only think I could think of was "Damn I am sooooo happy there is not one of these closer to me!".

The Worst Post Ever

I want to write something but I don't know what. That is not good. I know I usually just prattle but I am kinda blank. I am not egotistical - I do not think the stuff I write here is important. And a lot of time it is just for me. Of course now I am wondering if it is something bigger? Is my life in a rut? Lately it is definitely mostly Work Eat Sleep much more than Pray Eat Love. I also know others are going through much bigger things but that is not fair to myself. I mean it is all perspective and just because it is not monumental to most does not mean it is not monumental to me. At times I think it is a mid life crisis - although living to 86 - that is not something I have ever considered or truly believe is in the cards for me. Maybe I am just lonely, but I will not complain about that as I am not doing anything to resolve that situation. Rick told me last night he is lonely - I was surprised to hear it. I know he is not superman but I do put him way too high on a pedestal. He deserves to be on a pedestal but does not mean he can't feel lonely at times. I am not down - I am definitely not out - but I don't know what I am. Perhaps that is what I need to do, define myself. Oh me, me, me --- see this post is living up to its name.

I Kinda Like This Photo

It just has way too much going on - a bit like a rorschah test - I like it.

Plus Oscar is a good guy. Can you spot him in the picture?

Queasy

I meet up with Rick once a week for 2 hours of Spanish class. He is a great teacher and I get to focus on exactly what I want so it is good. Tonight after class we went to the local taco shop - no not as a field trip, simply because we were hungry. I saw carne asada fries listed on the menu. I was curious and Rick said they were awesome. I passed but he got them. The kinda looked good for some messy reason but I had two bites and was queasy - ugh. Definitely too much of a good thing. Rick dug right in and was happy as a clam. I was facinated by it all but a little horrified too! All this and he still has a 28 inch waist - the little bastard.

This is How I Feel on 10 10 10

Well it is a new day and not only that but it is 10 10 10! This is a great day to start a new chapter. It is 90 degrees out so I am going to do exactly as this song says and go out for a walk. Excercise is going to be a good part of my new chapter. Hope you have a great day too!

Ants in my Car

I have ants in my car! How strange is that? I have never encountered this before. There is no food in there so I am not sure what they want. I tried to look at as a positive in that they are company for my longer commute to work but truthfully I do not appreciate the extra passengers - especially since they never kick in for gas money. But now I have something on my to do list today - expel the ants! Wish me luck.

Best for Both

This story has come to an end. No drama - no craziness so I am pleased about that as I am sure you are too. I will miss you though and think about you on occasion in the future. It is only normal. Thank you for everything.

Note to Self

Ok we all play that game and assemble what would be the on the soundtrack for the movie version of your life - right? We all do that - right? Anyway I do and I want this song in there and this version too. I don't know where it would fit but I just love it (although it bugs me a bit that they cut the huge note at the end of this video version). Just a beautiful song, I love a lot.

That Is Sad To Hear

I read Judy's blog once in a while because I get curious. I stay away other than that though because I know I bring her unhappiness. I saw that one of her cat's passed away. Very sad. I remember when she got them. I know how much comfort and happiness they bring her. I can only imagine the loss. But she is always good to them so I know they had a good life but still it is sad.

Gentrification

Downtown TJ is becoming an artist's haven. With a bunch of empty store fronts and low rents, the artists are moving in and putting in work to make the place nice as well as pretty cool. I walked around the other day and here are some of the pictures I took. Enjoy.

I Am?

Well perhaps I am not quite there but I am trying. Somedays I am definitely closer than others. But to quote Abba, "That's the Name of the Game".