Fading into the Shadows

Oh man you cannot believe the effor to had to go through to get to make this post - my old computer so sucks.  But bright side is that I have been looking at tons of pictures on it that I have taken and have not looked at in a while.  I really like this picture a lot but am not sure how much it ties together with what I have to say.  In an attempt to cut back on money I have finally decided that smoking is just too expensive.  A pack costs $4.70 and has 20 cigarettes in it.  I smoked a pack a day.  I cannot believe how long I kept that going.  Perhpas I should be thinking more about my health but truly it is cost that I could not keep up with.  I got down to just smoking half a pack a day (10 cigarettes) and now I am down to just 6 cigarettes a day.  I still have to fight a lot of triggers, especially at work, but I am getting there.  I am already saving $70 a month - how crazy is that.  And now that I smoke so few each day, I do not like the taste anymore.  I am going to keep at this as the thought of saving another $70 a month is a big incentive for me.  So as I look down every avenue possible to save money - well this particular avenue will also be saving my health.   

Patience

Well I am not sitting pretty but I have some good news - I found my wallet!  I am soooooo relieved.  I still feel dumb and was very mad at myself but I have it back and so don't have to worry who has it.  In case you are curious - I was cleaning and I picked up the box the Matt used to mail to me that awesome fluer de lis ornament.  Before I put it in the trash I looked into it and there it was???  I have no idea why but was there but was thrilled to see it.  It more than made my day.

As for my computer, well it is fixed but I will not be able to pick it up for a little bit.  I just need to save up a little cash and will have it shortly.  In the meantime I am using my old one at home.  It is so insanely slow.  I do not know why it is so slow as I took just about everything off.  It makes me think of dial up service circa 1992.  But it is teaching me patience and with patience I can still post.  Actually with patience I can do most anything.

Temporarily Off the Air

Well the carousel continues to go round and today it has brought me anouther virus on my computer - so frustrating.  I tried all afternoon to fix it but I could not.  I connected my old computer and at least got it into running conditon -- well at this speed it is more like brisk walking instead of running.  I am not sure when I will be able to get my back on the air so posts will not be too many for a bit.  Well I do not know what else to do or say at this point so I will leave it there for now.  I will see what I can do about this and I will do my best.

I am Trying

I just wanted to let you know that I do my best to stay positive.  I have been trying to work myself out of my jam for a while now and believe there are a lot of things that I have tried.  This is not the place for me to post a lot of details about that stuff so I do not.  Seems like most things are either a dead end or don"t pan out but that just presents me with a new way of looking at solving things.  No matter what I am moving forward and making progress.  I just needed to say that so if you are thinking what the hell is he doing about it all - trust me plenty.  It is hard but to remember at times but actually each dead end is really just a u turn so I can go back and look for another avenue.    

Happy Valentine's Day

Hope your plate is full of of sweet and and wonderful things - always.

I Was so Mad at Myself

I lost my wallet again!  I was really, really upset about it too.  One it was a Coach wallet and I definitely do not have the money to replace it again (like I did the last time I lost my wallet).  Two it cost $30 to get a replacement license   My license is due expires in August of this year so I think I will just wait until it is due for renewal to get a new one but I am not sure.  But mostly I was incredibly upset with myself because it just makes me feel so stupid.  It is such a strong reminder of how forgetful and absent minded I am and the consequences of it.  That last part really got to me.  I got so mad and upset with myself.  Doctors have told me that as long as I remember things like my phone number, address, etc then it is normal.  I play memory games and word searches to help my mind.  I try not to do things in routine.  I get so frustrated.  As I think more about it then I feel it is not that I forget things but that I do not pay attention to things.  I don't know where my mind is it just wanders constantly.  

I think I will speak to the doctor about not paying attention a lot of the time but for now I just decided that there is no sense in beating myself up.  There are plenty of good and less expensive wallets available so that is nothing major plus all the contents are replaceable.  I just decided to see that although annoying it did not end my world - no one ended up in the hospital over it - and I know I can focus when I really need to like at work.  I made the decision that instead of being mean to myself over it that I would just deal with it and move on.  Why look at it so negatively?  It is not a positive but is it worth raking myself self esteem over the coals?  It seems that you do not have control over life and I understand that but also life is how you see it, and I do have control over how I see things.  

View

Is this picture insane or what?  I came across it and could not believe my eyes.  The view is spectacular and dangerous and the guy is confident and sexy.  I was wondering if I could ever sit there like this man is and I dunno.  I guess I do a lot of things that surprise myself, especially when I am right there on the precipice.  So although I may not seek out this location and sit on that edge - I certainly know the feeling.  The view from my edge may not be as breath taking but it ain't so bad either. 

What a Storm

Sounded like Nemo lived up to the hype and just buried the North East.  Hope everyone is safe and warm and with power.  I checked in on my parents a couple times during the storm.  My sister was like and what were you gonna do if they had a problem?  I told her they were having a problem when I called - cabin fever - so I was helping by giving them something to do for a short bit other than watching snow pile up.  I am glad I missed all that snow.  I really do not like snow and do not miss it one bit.  It was not terribly warm here but it was nice a enough.  Here is a pic of Pawtucket, RI and Escondido, CA both taken today.  It was quite different!  One odd thing that happened was everyone was talking about the upcoming storm and getting ready for it.  I kept thinking that I had to go to the grocery store to stock up too!  But I didn't.

I am Jealous!

This is Judy's cat named Rico.  It turns out he loves watching TV.  I am so jealous!  I know that I was stressed while unemployed but if I knew I had a nice place to stay, with fun people that gave me food and I could sleep all day and watch TV all night -- OMG that would have been awesome.  Just look at how relaxed he is as he intently contemplates mankind's greatest question, "Who will be the next American Idol?".  Now if that lazy bones Rico had ambition (and thumbs) then Judy could so cash in by having him write a TV review blog.  Errrrr like you can tell a cat anything.

More Odd Things from My House

I did not take a very good picture of this ring - or at least on that does it justice as it is majestic!  It was Michelle's grandmother's ring.  After she passed Michelle got her jewelry and I admired this ring and so Michelle gave it to me.  Most people probably would not thought much about giving it away - I know it was not a family heirloom -but I have a sneaky suspicion that Michelle knew what she was doing.  I am sure see saw the look in my eyes from the moment I had it in my fat little fingers.  I have cherished it from day one.  It never fit me but I used to wear it on a string around my neck.  It has even traveled across the country with me and still sits to this day atop my dresser.  You can ask Matt - I am sure he has seen it every time he was ever visited.  Plus he is so good he never even asked any questions.  Guess it just made sense to him that I had a ring like this.  It really does not take much.  I do not need a lot in this world which is why sometimes I get so frustrated.  Just the littlest sparkle in the world and it can keep me going for years and year of joy.  I mean if it takes so little then why does it seem like I ask for so much.  Ah who knows.  Anyway to the person going through my shit someday - you can return this ring to Michelle and let her know I loved every minute of having it.

Top 3 of All Time

This is one of the best songs ever.  It is just perfect.  A sad song yes, but still perfect.  How can a pop song that contains the line, "The love I gave hangs in sad colored, mocking shadows" not be amazing.  That is freaking poetry.  And no I do not love this song because I think it speaks of me.  All is well and I have left nothing behind that I did not want to leave behind.  If anyone knows me in the slightest they know I keep what is precious to me.

PS Is funny though that it just dawned on me after posting this that today is what used to be an anniversary.  HA perhaps my subconscious is speaking.  NOT.  I have few things in this world but my life is mine and I am glad it is.  All is good and will continue to get better.