Eileen Wildflowerseed

I worked with Eileen way back at Verizon Wireless eons ago.  The office was on Unicorn Park Drive and I always derived a large amount of secret joy from working at an address with the word "unicorn" in it, but I digress.  I chide myself so often for my flaws but I do know that I have some amazing qualities.  One of those qualities is knowing when another person is simply amazing and how to keep them in my life.  From the moment I met her so many years ago and right up to this very moment, Eileen inspires me.  She is gracious, kind, creative, positive appreciative, and an utter joy.  It is a no brainer, people like that are not around every corner but I am so lucky that I have more than my fair share.

In the midst of my recent "woe is me" state I came across a box of wildflower seeds.  Eileen takes beautiful photos and makes amazing cards - many of flowers.  So I bought the seeds and sent them along to her.  She does not have a yard per se but the thought of her sprinkling flowers seeds about randomly and then seeing the results down the road and thinking of me, well that thought pleased me greatly.  Plus I found the thought all a bit humorous very akin to Johnny Appleseed but in this case more apres peau, Eileen Wildflowerseed.  I do entertain myself so.

Well Eileen sent me an email to thank me and I am going to take the liberty in posting it below.  She is simply phenomenal and she is thanking me???  That certainly made my day and cleared out the blahs.  Eileen reminded me of something that I know but many times lose sight of:  time, distance, space -- none of that is important when you have something true.  Eileen is definitely true and I am grateful to be lucky.

Hi Scott,

Honestly, you are the best, best best! Thank you for the flower seeds! As soon as New England is sincere about springtime, I plan to put a few containers on my balcony, scatter the seeds and wait for the a colorful surprise. I'll take a picture when it is all in bloom. I hope you are feeling better. I so share your pain. I had a kidney stone about 2-3 years ago and it just brought me to my knees. I think I was totally unacquainted with pain until that time. And I want to thank you for introducing me to My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. I found it on youtube and now it is my obsession too. I've always been a little fascinated with gypsies and their free way of life. The wedding gowns are amazing... over the top ... and the pineapple and palm tree dresses were my favorite. The styles are so far beyond my timid tastes but I truly applaud their daring enthusiasm and love of vivid colors. Such fun. I liked the video of the rain on your deck. The sound of rain is so soothing!

So Scott, keep blogging. You don't see me but I spend every day with you and just love your blog.

Have a happy weekend and I'll see you in June.

Eileen

What Now

How odd - look what I can do now.  I can put a picture then write next to it.  They are making all sorts of changes here.  Kinda cool but how much freaking technology am I supposed to keep up with?  I do like this picture though.  It mesmerizes me like and optical illusion.  Because spring is here they started up the weekly vintage car show again.  It is a close walk from my work so I went on down, had some free popcorn and enjoyed other people's obsessions for a change.  People with obsessions intrigue me to no end - for obvious reasons.

Head in the Clouds

I saw this picture and I like it. I am normally not into sci-fi but it has a bit of a steampunk edge and liked the sensation of floating it gave to me. Something is up with my head. I apologize for being debbie downer but I just don't know what is going on. In 2011 I was so focused, so obsessed with resolving my unemployment. I landed a good job after 11 months and thought I had done it, that I had made it. It is a great company and the only complaint is that I get paid less than I got paid in 2004. It is kinda like I was on volume 10 for so long and living on adrenaline but I got this job and immediately went into the busy season. No downtime, my head is spinning. I don't know what I did. I don't know what I am doing. I worked so hard to stay and now I feel so alone. Perhaps I feel a bit stuck. Maybe it is just the challenge of starting over again. I tried to make it 7 months without missing a day of work because I need to accrue time in order to come back in June. Missing those 2 days last week comes out of my PTO and now I may not have enough time to come back. I am super lucky because I have health insurance and don't know what would have happened to me if that happened last year and not this year. But why do I worry about the past? I seem to have lost my vision and so feel lost in general. Looks appealing to get into one of these ballons and float away. I know I made accomplishments in 2011 but they are slipping away. I don't know why I worked so hard to stay. I have been here for almost 6 years and the whole time feel like I have been struggling. I am just kinda tired. I feel a bit isolated. I wonder if I wanted to isolate myself. I am puzzled and baffled. Is this stress, self pity, a mid life crisis, the results of many bad decisions? I will be fine. I will shake it off, I always do. But I will admit that tonight I took two of my left over pain pills from last week in order to gain a small amount of relief from myself. I am just a bit fuzzy over it all and what did I do. I need some clarity but it is not here yet. I'll tough it out. I'll figure it out. The alternative is not an option.

I Hope...

I am feel physically better but now the funk is back. It is not a complaint but perhaps it is because of work being so busy. There is a big deadline for paperwork on 03.30 so I am thinking after that I won't be spinning around so much. Once the dizziness stops then I want to focus back on the gym. I just lost that motivation and need it back. Spring is here and then summer so I wanna get on the ball. Don't really have anything to say. I am truly rambling in the post. I wish I made the image on this post but I did not. But I still love it. Hope you are all well.

The Old Man is Snoring

I took this video to show I am not exaggerating!  Last weekend was rain and hail all weekend and today it rained all day.  It has been a really cold and wet winter!  I swear I still live in Southern California and have no right to complain but I cannot wait for the sun to return.  I am looking forward to next week in general as last week was miserable but truth be told, a rainy Sunday afternoon was just what the doctor prescribed.  I really believe the stone has passed and so I relaxed and napped most the day in order to recharge myself and get back to 100%.

Cautiously Optimistic

I have not had any severe pain since Thursday night and so I am thinking that it stone has passed. I have been on the lookout out for it but have not had much luck - much like I did not have much luck with the mega millions lottery either. I am very happy the pain has gone but I still have had a low key weekend. I did go to the park to walk and get some exercise as I know it helps but I do not want to over do it. I am, very much looking forward to a better week! Hope you are all well and healthy.

Brought to Tears

A took a short break from the alternating crying and vomiting of this week to watch some tv, as what feels like a golf ball navigates my urethra. Very much to my surprise I finally found on American tv the British tv show my Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Everyone thinks I am obsessed with Mexico but it really is England that I am obsessed with. If Mexico was 30 minutes south of me and England only 30 minutes north of me -- I swear I would always be in England. My obsession is kinda hard as I do not have BBC on my cable system but I still manage.

I read on a regular basis (ie daily) the UK Guardian and the London Sun. It is a good balance as the Guardian does contain actual articles and writing whereas the Sun is a total gossip rag. I mean rag - it make the National Enquirer seem highbrow. I do not understand why I need to know stuff like this but I am completely up on all the entertainment gossip in England. I completely admit that this is odd and useless as most of the gossip is about people in shows or bands that I have never seen. The Sun is absolutely obsessed with this tv show My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and the more they wrote about it and printed pictures, well the more obsessed I became.

So there I was clicking when wham the one bright spot in this miserable week is before my eyes as this show I know so much about is on TLC and I finally get to watch an episode ---- oooooooohhhhhhh so worth the wait! It is about Irish travelers and gypsy culture in the UK and it is absolutely beyond words. This culture is so extreme and so extravagant and trashy - I love it. They speak English but their accents are so heavy they have to put in subtitles. The part I love about that is that it is broadcast in the UK like that -- people speaking English that need subtitles for other English speaking people to understand.

Gypsy women from a young age are indoctrinated to know their place in the world is to become a wife, mother and a housewife and rarely is that mold broken. Since this is the cornerstone of their being they go all out with these elaborate dresses to attract a male. They are literally human versions of birds that have amazing plumes to attract mates. I will admit their taste strictly falls in the realm of boulevard walking ladies of the night but then they say things like, "I need to look good. God wants me to look good. God is happy when I look hot". It is almost too much to take but for at least for a moment I am less focused on my kidney that feels like it is going to burst and more focused on my head which feels like it is going to burst.

To top it all off they have this incredibly high standard of morals. Sex before marriage is absolutely out of the question as it brings shame to the family and you never bring shame to the family. The girls cannot even have cell phones as they are a path to temptation. I wanted to put some pictures of the dresses or outfits but you just need to either watch the show or google image it. You just need to.

Faked Out

They gave me a strainer to use so I can look and see if I passed my kidney stone. So far I have not found anything. I find the metaphor of being in California and panning for gold a humorous one but man I just want this out of me. I have been getting faked out each day because although I am tired, I have not had that much pain during the day. It makes me think "Oh perhaps I passed it and did not see it". Then later in the night the pain starts and as long as there is pain then I know I have not passed it. It is driving me nuts and taking a toll on me but I am doing everything I can. I just want the pain to stop! They call them kidney stones but they are really the size of a grain of sand - if even that big! So small and yet so much havoc. Well off to drink even more water - wish me luck. Oh please, oh please, oh please.

Hail Stones - Kidney Stones - Happy Spring!

Today is the first day of Spring and it has been a nutty weekend.  The weather has just been messed up.  This past weekend I had to keep telling myself that I was in San Diego and not Scotland or something like that.  This winter has been so wet and chilly - I am just sick of saying, "But we need the rain".  The video is hail on my deck but check it out.   Crazy or what?  I must say though that even on a rainy day with hail - my deck looks pretty.  Today however was not so pretty.  I woke up at about 7am and at about 7:15am I had some intense pain.  It was craziness and so painful that I threw up and it made me cry.  It killed me to call in sick because I want to do so well with my new job but I knew it was not going to pass.  Actually about 15 years ago I has a kidney stone so I had a strong feeling what was going on.  I was after 20 minutes of intense pain I was tired so I slept a bit more.  I woke up at 11am to more pain so I knew I had to get to the Urgent Care center.  I lucky that if this was going to happen that it happened now as I have health insurance again.  It is a new health system I have insurance with so I was nervous in addition to being in pain.

At Urgent Care they were able to get my pain under control and then do a cat scan which confirmed - yes I have another kidney stone.  I so hope that I can pass it.  The pain comes in waves and is awful then subsides for an hour and then is awful again.  Everyone was nice at Urgent Care and it really made the best of a bad situation.  I really don't like being sick and times like this I get super scared.  It reminds me of the challenges of being alone.  I have friends but they all work and so I really have to depend upon myself a lot.  Plus whenever I am sick I get super needy - I always have.  I texted a little bit and that made me feel comfortable having friends wish their support to me.  I spoke a short time to my mother.  I don't like her to worry about me but just needed some comfort.  I chatted about 15 minutes with Oscar and his voice was very comforting to me.  He feels awful that he cannot come help me which made me feel good.

So today is the first day of Spring and also it is Rick's birthday.  I am happy Spring is here but I gotta pass this stone.  I am sure I will.  I know I will.  2012 is still way better than 2011.  If this happened last year, I don't know what I would have done.  The medicine has made me relaxed and drowsy so for now I hope I go to sleep and dream of water falls, rainy days, and ocean waves so that when I wake up I will piss this damn thing outta me.  Wish me luck!

Hoarders: Escondido Edition - Bags!

Bags stress me right the fuck out! I have tons of them and don't need them but have such a challenge throwing them out. Some of them moved across the country with me! I have bags from stores no longer in business. Once they get in the house I am done for. I am convinced I will need them and so just keep them. I am fine in the store to say no to a bag - or carry my own recycle bags. That does not bother me at all - although some people are so forceful with giving out bags. Once they are in the house though I am stuck and it drives me nuts. Look at all these bags! I don't need them! So I decided it would make me good to get rid of them. I went through all the little ones and brought them up to Target and shoved them in the recycling bin they have near the service desk. The larger ones I kept only on the condition that I use them in place of trash bags. I used up all my real trash bags and won't let myself buy more so that I have to use the big bags up. It makes me feel so insane that I get stuck on things like this. It is not everything, I don't have empty milk bottles and prescription vials hanging around but bags - oh I fucking hate them. I do everything I can to not bring any in my house cause that is when I get stuck. But at the stores they put like one item in them and I am like oh no that can fit more. But then when they put more into one bag then they double bag it. OOHHHHH stress! But the bright side is that recycling all those bags felt good and now saving money using the big ones feels even better. Perhaps my self administered therapy is working!

Happy Anniversary

Wow I started this little indulgence four years today and still it goes on. I know sometimes it comes pouring fourth and sometimes it is like pulling teeth but its all me and my silly little thoughts. I love my blog and will definitely get back on track with showing it plenty of loving again.

Blog Block

My head is just crazy lately - which I guess means that I am just crazy lately. I was so excited about my videos and thought it was the break through I needed to be excited and enthusiastic again but I just could not keep the steam going. I have lots to say - I always do but it is all fractured in my head and then there is stuff on the surface blocking it. Stuff I don't wish to talk about but just can't move aside. I have my job, I have a place to live, I take care of my own, I rarely ask for anything but I don't know. I worked so hard to land this job and it is going well but perhaps I have post tramatic stress. I am not being a drama queen. For all of last year my nerves we on end and so worry just became my natural state. I accomplished lots of positive things - I know that - now it is just the question of was it all worth it plus shutting off that worry mode. I have gone bit to the opposite end of the spectrum - I eat, work, watch tv and sleep. The only activity I manage faithfully inbetween those activities is worry. I think it is just a strong woe is me spell - oh I am so lonely, oh I am so fat, oh what's the point, etc. It gets you nowhere and plus it gets stronger the more you indulge. I have done it bunches of times before - I will regroup and I will get this fucking ride in motion again!