When I Grow Up...

I want to be a cowboy.

Reading List

I am not negative but I must say my reading has been very dark as of late. I started with In Cold Blood by Truman Capote and just loved it. After reading the book I watched the movie and I know it is a cliche but the book was so much better. The movie was more about taking an anti capital punishment stance whereas as the book delved into what is in the minds of men that can go through completing senseless and vicious murders. It scares me to say but I like seeing inside the minds of dark killers. Humans have the ability to do atrocious things but much like the thought of dying, we live the vast majority of our lives not thinking about it - regardless of how true it is.

Then I went on to the Portrait of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde - one of the best books ever. Wilde is scathing and shreds open the darkness of man, society and culture. It was really scandalous - even to read in current day - so I can barely imagine what the world thought in the mid 1800's of him. I am not a cynic but certainly could understand the cold and derivative place the world can be through the words of this cynic. It was like looking at a vivisection done to yourself. Remarkable.

Next was a collection of Edgar Allen Poe short stories. More dark and creepy horrors of both the world and the mind. I just could not stop. I know the points of horror in my own mind and so to look at someone else's and feel the universality - amazing. Plus the fact that several times I had to stop and look up definitions - expanding my own world.

I am in a bit of a dark space so perhaps that is why my reading has been so dark - but I am not negative. I am excited - I am curious - I am eagar. I just have to keep the movement when somedays I just have no energy to do so. On the full scale of things though, that is life in general - regardless of dark days or bright days.

What is the Date?

I was so delighted to find out that OMD is coming to SD. I have seen them before of course but still want to go. I was curious and so looked it up and it turns out that have a new CD out. I played the single and DIED! It is more 80's than when I listened to them in the 80's. I swear after I listed to it like 25 times I had a panic attack thinking I had a test tomorrow in school on the feudal system as well as a paper due on the Catcher in the Rye!

Beyonce or Bust

As soon as I saw that damned Debbie Harry Barbie doll and started drooling, I texted the picture to Michelle. She gets my obsessions and quite frequently indulges me in them (although I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing). On Saturday she was in Toys R Us and saw the doll. It is actually part of a series - 80's women of rock. She was very thrilled over the Joan Jett Barbie but as cool as it is - I stuck with my tried and true obsession. Then she happened upon a Beyonce doll and was blinded by all others. Turns out she is majorly into Beyonce. I did not know this fact and it is good to learn something new about someone you have known for so long but truthfully I thought she was teasing . She was not! She was dead serious. It freaked me out a bit. She then rapid fire spit out all these Beyonce facts. I know Beyonce is talented and smart, I just never was too much on that bandwagon never mind aware that Michelle was driving the bandwagon. She said if there was a Beyonce channel she would never leave the house. She also told me that she would leave Juan to be with Beyonce. I know, I know my head is blowing up over this too. But then she told me the clincher - Beyonce is a virgo too! Ahhhh all roads converge and I am excited to have learned something new about Michelle's previously unknown albeit intense obsession.

Tempted

What a surprise I came across. A Barbie doll as Debbie Harry from Blondie. Total Treasure! I do not collect Barbies (I am not that gay) but I do admire their kitsch factor and Debbie Harry we well she is just perfection! Of course I touched it - took a picture and coveted it but I alas resisted the temptation. It is super cool but I need to be good and no splurges. I certainly hope the security cam video of me falling in love with the Blondie Barbie does not go viral.

I Still Don't Like Clowns

Not even this one! Although I will admit there are some appealing things about him :)

More Unemployed

The big company that bought my little company had an outlined plan for the manufacturing in Carlsbad - but today they suddenly gave everyone a pink slip and closed what was left of the little company. Everyone knew this was on the horizon but I do not know why they suddenly abandoned the plan they had. It caught a lot of people off guard and effected friends, like JuanCarlos. I helped a couple of them file for unemployment today and did my best to keep their spirits up. It is just always such a shock to lose your job suddenly. No matter how prepared you are that moment of "change is definitely happening now", regardless of anything is tough.

I am a Nervous Nelly

The internet is an evil place for self diagnosis. I read the below about a nasty habit I have had forever:

Biting His Nails

This behavior signifies insecurity, nervousness, extreme stress and an inability of self-expression, Wanis says. “This is not someone who is calm, relaxed …. It doesn’t really indicate hygiene issues; it talks more about psychological, mental and emotional issues.”

Paula thinks I am always so calm and relaxed - I really do not know where she gets this impression. I am so my mother and I am nervous and worried most of the time. Perhaps it is because when I am with others that I care greatly for I am very relaxed and happy and usually reserve my worrying to my solo time. I think about all sorts of things and people and although not a pessimist - I can tend to dwell on the bleak. Luckily I know this about myself and so I am aware of the "go back before it is too late" signs. As for self-expression - well this blog is certainly a good place for that. I missed it when I was not posting. It is creative and indulgent and fun. So I sit here looking at my mangled nails and think oh damned internet!!!!

She is the Best!

I love all my nieces and nephews. They are all great, each and every one, but she is the best. She kills me. She is me! I mean not just because she is a 16 year old girl either. In the stuff Michelle gave me was this cake pan. As soon as we saw it we both thought it as a hat and were very excited over the idea. It did not matter to her - she still made it a hat. Whenever I am with her we just die laughing. Everything I think is funny she does too! We just wet ourselves over the fact that my mother (her grandmother) is truly insane, Fred on youtube is a maniac, and that hamster are a riot. Oh she is the best - I love this photo!

I LOVE THIS

Vintage Yum

Sometimes I drift while job searching and just look at what I came across.

Wow a handsome man certainly is timeless.

Hoarders - the Escondido Episode

I spend a lot of time job searching but it leaves me with a lot of free time still so I decided to tackle the dreaded closet. Every time I opened the door it gave me shudders so I just knew I had to man up and do it. Oh god I love my stuff but some of these boxes have not been opened since I moved to CA. I know I do not have the talent to become a professional storage organizer but I was proud of my accomplishment. It is all about baby steps!

Before

After

I Cannot Go Back There

I went to my landlord's shop to poke around. I could spend hours in there looking and touching treasures and since I have the time - I did. I think about the stuff there and the stories they all hold. I get curious as to who it belonged to originally and how it ended up here. I hope it all finds new homes and new admirers but know it all cannot, especially when it is something scary like these two examples:


A scary clown and a ventriloquist dummy! TOGETHGER!!! What kind of unholy marriage is this? Seriously - did these toys belong to Regan from the Exorcist or what? I am man enough to say - I literally screamed. If these were not in a glass case I would have immediately ran to church. You know that at night they walk around and do all sorts of evil things. Just look at the dummy - he is whispering into the clown's ear, "That's the one - we need to kill him. Kill HIM!" Eeeeek!!!!

Ok homegirl - I know living in a mausoleum of trash and treasures can't be too fly but must you jump out from the corner just to see me shit my pants. Not cool - not cool at all. I already know you will cut a bitch - you do not have too prove it.

Back to Square One

Hi Folks! The snow stopped and I finally was able to escape New England after the Christmastime blizzard. No complaints, not even about having to shovel snow! At first I was stressed about being stuck and then I gave myself a bitch slap and I enjoyed my time. I did not have to rush back and was able to stay extra but did not have to pay a dime more to change the flight. I spent most of my time with my family. I saw the kids every day and they just crack me up. I have held many titles and many roles in my life but I cherish "crazy uncle" the most. Mostly because it is just me. I don't have to try or focus - I just have to be and they love it. As do I.

Well I got back to CA and continued my job search. I had two excellent leads and interviews. One I was super excited about - the other I was good too but neither panned out. It would have be great but so shocking to strike it twice so quickly. I am a bit worried but I am excited too. It is kinda cool having to make an accomplishment on my own. And if I fail - well that will be mine too.

So I have returned to my blog. Seriously - I am going stir crazy and I need this creative outlet. I missed it but the days were dark and the nights were sleepless. For now that edge has subsided. Since I spend most my time job searching and am worried about spending money - I am not sure how entertaining this will be for others but I will do my best. I always do.

It is good to be back. And it will be even better when I have a job. Life needs to be bad sometimes so you know when it is good!