I Need a Cat

This past winter I started getting prank phone calls. They would usually happen on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. The call was always listed as unavailable and the person on the other end would just do heavy breathing. The first time it happened I was a bit puzzled? I mean a prank phone call with heavy breathing - how freaking 70's can you get. But then I kept getting them and so I made them fun. The caller would never utter a single word - only breath and so I would carry the conversations on myself (so glad I have that skill). I told the caller once that the heavy breathing was so retro I could not help but get excited over it. It was totally like being back in 7th grade! Plus I was a bit curious - why would someone prank me? It made me feel a bit special. I suppose keyword there is special.

In any case it probably happened about 5 different occasions and then stopped. Once I told the caller how much I loved the 70's and the first concert I had ever been to was the Village People and Gloria Gaynor at the Boston Garden. I said I could not decide which was more exciting - getting to see the leather daddy drive out on his bike or watching the entire floor of the Garden do the hustle - a cherished memory to this day. One time I asked if they knew of a good Chinese restaurant because I was having trouble locating one. And one time I have a very in depth conversation regarding my confusion over laundry as I just cannot figure out which detergent is the best on both stains and safe for colors.

During most of the calls the caller would eventually end up hanging up on me as I prattled on. It was a little insulting, I mean this person calls to harass me and then has the nerve to be annoyed enough with what I am saying to hang up while I am talking??? I swear American culture has absolutely no clue on what the word manners is all about.

The other morning I had to bring my sister and her family to the airport at 4am so they could catch a morning flight. Around 5:30am I get a call - I never get calls that early so I answer since I am up just checking email before work - and it is the heavy breather! I was like Oh My God how the hell have you been? It has been too long. On the second call that day I decided to put my phone sex operator skills to the test. I was doing really well too I must admit since the breathing got even heavier than normal. I even commented on what a lucky day it was for this person since this service is usually $1.98 a minute. I was just about to deliver the "money shot" and the bastard hung up on me - ugh! OK now I am mad. Who the hell are you to be so rude? The caller calls again andI promptly reprimand this person for obviously not even having the most basic concept of politeness. The caller hangs up.

I have not heard back from them but keep thinking about it. Obviously I know this person since they never utter not even one word and I have done plenty to at least elicit at minimum a general Fuck You from them, so they must know I will recognize their voice. Also this number is always listed as Unavailable which means they block it each time since if your number is private it comes up as Restricted. Lastly this person must be from the east coast as who the hell is gonna get up at 5:30am to make a prank call. On the east coast it is 8:30am - still kinda early but since it was work day it would make more sense as to why this person would be up.

I wonder if it is him, the nameless ex. I can't imagine it is. I never even considered it until this most recent incident. First off he is too lazy to go out of his way to actually put any type of effort like that forth. Second although I have always given him credit for being stuck at 19 when he said Fuck Off to his father and they have never spoken again - such a proud achievement to hold a grudge so well. I can't imagine he is actually only stuck at 12! Perhaps I did give him too much credit. One thing is his favor is that he has zero creativity so it would make sense for him to make heavy breather type calls since they are so mundane.

But all in all what this truly means is that I think I need a cat because if I talk so much that even a heavy breather hangs up on me well then I must need something else around for me to chat with. Who knows - maybe.