Fading into the Shadows

Oh man you cannot believe the effor to had to go through to get to make this post - my old computer so sucks.  But bright side is that I have been looking at tons of pictures on it that I have taken and have not looked at in a while.  I really like this picture a lot but am not sure how much it ties together with what I have to say.  In an attempt to cut back on money I have finally decided that smoking is just too expensive.  A pack costs $4.70 and has 20 cigarettes in it.  I smoked a pack a day.  I cannot believe how long I kept that going.  Perhpas I should be thinking more about my health but truly it is cost that I could not keep up with.  I got down to just smoking half a pack a day (10 cigarettes) and now I am down to just 6 cigarettes a day.  I still have to fight a lot of triggers, especially at work, but I am getting there.  I am already saving $70 a month - how crazy is that.  And now that I smoke so few each day, I do not like the taste anymore.  I am going to keep at this as the thought of saving another $70 a month is a big incentive for me.  So as I look down every avenue possible to save money - well this particular avenue will also be saving my health.   

Patience

Well I am not sitting pretty but I have some good news - I found my wallet!  I am soooooo relieved.  I still feel dumb and was very mad at myself but I have it back and so don't have to worry who has it.  In case you are curious - I was cleaning and I picked up the box the Matt used to mail to me that awesome fluer de lis ornament.  Before I put it in the trash I looked into it and there it was???  I have no idea why but was there but was thrilled to see it.  It more than made my day.

As for my computer, well it is fixed but I will not be able to pick it up for a little bit.  I just need to save up a little cash and will have it shortly.  In the meantime I am using my old one at home.  It is so insanely slow.  I do not know why it is so slow as I took just about everything off.  It makes me think of dial up service circa 1992.  But it is teaching me patience and with patience I can still post.  Actually with patience I can do most anything.

Temporarily Off the Air

Well the carousel continues to go round and today it has brought me anouther virus on my computer - so frustrating.  I tried all afternoon to fix it but I could not.  I connected my old computer and at least got it into running conditon -- well at this speed it is more like brisk walking instead of running.  I am not sure when I will be able to get my back on the air so posts will not be too many for a bit.  Well I do not know what else to do or say at this point so I will leave it there for now.  I will see what I can do about this and I will do my best.

I am Trying

I just wanted to let you know that I do my best to stay positive.  I have been trying to work myself out of my jam for a while now and believe there are a lot of things that I have tried.  This is not the place for me to post a lot of details about that stuff so I do not.  Seems like most things are either a dead end or don"t pan out but that just presents me with a new way of looking at solving things.  No matter what I am moving forward and making progress.  I just needed to say that so if you are thinking what the hell is he doing about it all - trust me plenty.  It is hard but to remember at times but actually each dead end is really just a u turn so I can go back and look for another avenue.    

Happy Valentine's Day

Hope your plate is full of of sweet and and wonderful things - always.

I Was so Mad at Myself

I lost my wallet again!  I was really, really upset about it too.  One it was a Coach wallet and I definitely do not have the money to replace it again (like I did the last time I lost my wallet).  Two it cost $30 to get a replacement license   My license is due expires in August of this year so I think I will just wait until it is due for renewal to get a new one but I am not sure.  But mostly I was incredibly upset with myself because it just makes me feel so stupid.  It is such a strong reminder of how forgetful and absent minded I am and the consequences of it.  That last part really got to me.  I got so mad and upset with myself.  Doctors have told me that as long as I remember things like my phone number, address, etc then it is normal.  I play memory games and word searches to help my mind.  I try not to do things in routine.  I get so frustrated.  As I think more about it then I feel it is not that I forget things but that I do not pay attention to things.  I don't know where my mind is it just wanders constantly.  

I think I will speak to the doctor about not paying attention a lot of the time but for now I just decided that there is no sense in beating myself up.  There are plenty of good and less expensive wallets available so that is nothing major plus all the contents are replaceable.  I just decided to see that although annoying it did not end my world - no one ended up in the hospital over it - and I know I can focus when I really need to like at work.  I made the decision that instead of being mean to myself over it that I would just deal with it and move on.  Why look at it so negatively?  It is not a positive but is it worth raking myself self esteem over the coals?  It seems that you do not have control over life and I understand that but also life is how you see it, and I do have control over how I see things.  

View

Is this picture insane or what?  I came across it and could not believe my eyes.  The view is spectacular and dangerous and the guy is confident and sexy.  I was wondering if I could ever sit there like this man is and I dunno.  I guess I do a lot of things that surprise myself, especially when I am right there on the precipice.  So although I may not seek out this location and sit on that edge - I certainly know the feeling.  The view from my edge may not be as breath taking but it ain't so bad either.