My Fortune

I got Chinese food yesterday (04/06/17) and this was my fortune!!!  I know it is just a piece of paper with words but it still made my day.  You can make fortunes come true and I am going to work hard on making this one become a reality.  I don't negate today, I have good things but more good things is not a bad thing!

My Return

Here I am, returning to my blog for real.  I have had many request to do so, um well two actually.  It was getting difficult to continue but eh that's just an excuse for laziness.  I did miss it.  Sadly Judy who inspired me to start this blog is no longer in my life.  I can't even go into details about it because I really am not sure what it was all about.  Long story short, it got super intense, out of frustration I said something hurtful  and she felt it indicative of me being an "abusive and vile" person and that is that.  Ella fue as they say in Spanish.  I am not speaking badly of her.  I have nothing bad to say.  I have said it a million times, everyone creates their own reality so although it hurts, I respect how she feels about me and don't wish to create any more misery in her life. I do sincerely wish her well.  I don't hold on to anger or negativity so will just let history do its job and hold on to only all the good points we shared.  As for me, well I am just gonna post what I wish, the good, bad, exciting, boring, or indifferent.  I have some stories to catch up on also and hopefully will be having new adventures.  The hiatus has ended!

The Stranger

Last time I spoke with my brother was in May when I went back east for a visit.  My brother is so weird and awkward to talk to.  I was feeling guilty, like I should talk with him so I called him.  I am not sure why I was feeling guilty as I know not speaking to me for a long time had absolutely no impact on him at all.  I do not hate my brother but I cannot say he is a good brother.  I can say he is a good guy.  He takes care of his family, works hard, contributes to the community but he just isn’t a good brother.  I often say to explain it that he is just someone that has the same DNA as me.  Another way to put it in order to try to explain is that he is like a stranger that I know.  I think he gets it from my dad.  They both are super great when they are talking to strangers yet talking to family is utterly painful.  It is still bizarre to me for people to say’ “Oh your dad (or brother) is so great.  What a good guy” as they know someone that I do not but feel like I should. I know my dad had a difficult time with his family growing up.  He never knew his father and then his step father was nuts, literally he was unbalanced but that was at a time when they just called a lot of mental heath issues “eccentric”.  But I saw my brother’s childhood and it was fine so I don’t get him at all.  He was the baby and always treated as special.  I do not say that with any bitterness, it just happens in families.  He was active and had a lot of friends and everything a normal childhood could be.  Also like my father it is not just me my brother is uncomfortable around.  He is super awkward with my siblings and parents also.  It drives my sisters bonkers.  They then get mad at me for not being upset at my brother’s odd and often callous behavior.  I don’t really see the point.  He has never been any different so it just does not bother me.  When speaking with him there are a lot of long and uncomfortable pauses.  He makes me feel uncomfortable as I am prying for info.  Even to say, “Oh so you went on a family vacation to Williamsburg this summer?  How was that?” I feel like I am asking for the most intimate, private details of his life.  But similar to when speaking with my father, I just prattle on and move through the strangeness.  I am positive that once my parents both pass away I will rarely see or speak with him.  That is not a happy thought but not an upsetting one either.  As I said he is a stranger that I know so when I no longer know him there will be no real emotional consequences.  I do feel bad that I barely have a relationship with his four children.  I cherish the relationships I have with the children of my sisters but that does not exist with for my brother’s children.  But relationships change and evolve so maybe one day I will be closer to them.  I do find it very odd that I was feeling guilty about no speaking to him for a while.  I was not mad or anything.  It is just not a thing we do.  I guess sometimes thinks just stick in my mind.  Talking with him we just chattered but I felt better after.  For me he is still my brother so I am glad he is happy with his life and doing well.

Classics

I had a run of watching movie classics that I have always wanted to see but had not.  Funny now looking at these three I watched recently, I see that they all have a strong female lead.  Not sure that that means but I did not draw the connection until I saw them lined up like that.  I also put them in order of my favorite first.  Wow Sunset Boulevard, amazingly good.  Tragic but poignant.  You feel such pity for Norma but not in a condescending way.  Everyone creates their reality, it is just not normally as forceful or distinct as Norma does.  And Joe, oh my William Holden was perfect.  You want to hate him but you can't.  He is in a trap and you can clearly see he helped build it as we all do with our problems.  What a brilliant movie

.  

I watched all 4 hours plus of Cleopatra and enjoyed it all.  When Cleopatra arrives in Rome, I was as stunned and astonished as the people of Rome.  The movie is 53 years old and no CGI yet that scene was over the top jaw dropping.  Liz Taylor, what a powerhouse.  Liz was 5'2" and she wielded Cleopatra's power as if she was 7 foot tall.  If you read the historical accounts of Cleopatra, she was not the great beauty that Liz was but she was extremely intelligent, well skilled at understanding the world, and used her sexuality in a time when female sexuality was to be used by men not by women.  I thought Liz did a great job.  Some over the top dramatics for effect but overall just a charismatic women carving her place in a male dominated world.  In a side note, Liz Taylor was stunning, just

absolutely breath takingly beautiful.  Piercing eyes and how the hell do you get skin that perfect.

Last in the line up was Breakfast at Tiffany's.  I felt pressure to love it but in reality I just found it ok.  Truman Capote certainly does not express as well as Tennessee Williams the pathos, confusion, and tragedy of love but he gave it a good shot.  I found it interesting that the characters both sold their time to build the worlds they created.  I suppose in 1961 that was shocking to see on screen but I found it interesting because again everyone creates their own reality by any means possible.  In truth I did not find Holly Golightly to be delightful, interesting yes but delightful no.  She definitely was out for number one and I get that it was the point of the story as she could not see or appreciate what she had, but I do not particularly like watching people that are not gracious.  To her everyone was a rat or a super rat, when she was a mega rat.  I guess I could understand the sadness of Norma Desmond, or the complexity of Cleopatra, and maybe if I could get that better view of Holly, I would have liked this movie better.

My run of classics.  I am happy I watched them all.  

XXX

This summer I had three sets of visitors so I cleaned three times.  I am not good at cleaning so it is not that tremendous but as I got to the third time I really went all in (for me anyway).  It was during that third cleaning go round that I came across nude pics of my ex from a million years ago back in MA.  OH MY.  I say pics but they are pictures - they were developed on photo paper and all.  What a very odd surprise.  I knew they existed, obviously I took them, but the part that made it odd was I did not know I had them.  I have been here 10 years - how crazy is that.  They are dated 2003 so they are 13 years old, wow.  Anyway of course I thumbed through them, There are about 20 maybe.  I am looking at them and back them he was like Montgomery Clift to me and now looking at them with no veil whatsoever I was like, hmmm.  I was not repulsed at all but  there was not that swoon I remember. There was kinda nothing actually.  I was more stuck on, I have these?  I was gonna throw them out, I really was.  Then I tossed them into a draw.  It was not at all that I could not throw them out, I will tell you what it was.  Often I think of the person or persons that will have to go through all my shit after I pass and the thought of them finding those naked pics tucked in a draw made me laugh out loud for real.  I am not mean but I am mischievous.  In their head I was thinking, "Smiley face, smiley face, nude pictures, smiley face, smiley face...".  Oh that slays me.  I was gonna take a pic of the pics for this post but instead I just used this hottie, who does make me feel things.  Silly, silly, silly.

I Feel I Posted This Before

I used to buy VHS movies but I rarely watch a movie again.  Then when DVDs came out I kept having an urge to buy them but would remind myself that I don't watch them so don't waste your money.  Now of course everything is on demand which is cool but not my point.  This movie is actually a movie I have seen more than once.  It came out in 1996 and I first saw it at the movie theater.  My poor memory and yet I remember it clearly.  I saw it at the Nickelodeon on Comm Ave behind BU.  I went by myself as I heard it was a good movie.  So that is an understatement.  Very sweet and nice and optimistic but not in an unrealistic Disney sense.  Quirky with British humour.  It really made me smile, feel at peace and gave me hope.  Bittersweet to see such a wonderful movie alone but that did not detract from my appreciation of the film  I also remember years down the road saying to him that I wanted to watch this movie with him as it was really good and very special.  His review was "Yeah it was good.  They talk funny".  So seeing it alone the first time guess not that bittersweet.  Well I eventually did buy it on DVD because it is a rare gem.  I then lent that DVD to a coworker and it never came back.  I just recently bought it again.  So I rarely buy movies and now I have purchased this one twice.  It just arrived and I look forward to watching it again.  Wow and 20 years on and I will watch it alone again.  Hmmm, not sure what that says but not everything has to say something.  Oh and there is this sweet scene with Body Shop Peppermint Foot Lotion.  Really sweet.  Tender is the right word.  Well I bought him the Body Shop Peppermint Foot Lotion.  Me trying to make fantasy be reality.  Oh I am hopeless :)  In writing this it dawned on me that some how that foot lotion ended up with me.  My house is chaos and yet I knew exactly where it was.  I went and pulled it out of the draw.  All these years.  I don't use it but could not before throw it out.  Today I looked at it, so silly I thought.  I then tossed it in the trash.  No importance.  No connection.  Watch this movie.  It will make you feel young and sweet and happy.

Bones

I had such a strange dream last night.  They say you dream every night but I rarely remember mine.  It strikes me as odd when people tell me about their dreams as I can't really get that point of view from my own experience.  But on the other hand I do daydream quite a bit.  I can't even tell you how many music videos I have made, blissful romances I have experienced, or grand fetes that I have enjoyed all in my daydreams, but I am getting off topic.

My dream last night was very vivid and I will tell you all the points that I recall even though I do not know how they all tie together but this is how it goes --- Judy I both knew the actor that plays the male lead in the TV show Bones.  I don't know why we both knew him but we both know him individually and not because of each other.  And we knew the actor not the character he plays on Bones.  The three of us were at a bar and decided to go to a restaurant.  Judy had something to do so she left and was going to meet back up with us at the restaurant.  As he and I walked to the restaurant he put his arm around my shoulder and it was very comforting to me.  When we got to the restaurant we had to walk up a flight of wooden stairs and he let me use his arm to keep my balance which made me feel secure.  Then while waiting for our table he put is arm around my waist and talked with me and it made me feel super happy and intimate but not sexual.  One other part that was super clear was that he was wearing a hunter green argyle sweater that was super soft and warm.  I then woke up and feel so terrific, very comfortable and comforted.  A truly pleasant, wonderful feeling.

I told Kym about it and she right away said she thought it was because Matt is coming to visit soon.  That makes a lot of sense as I adore Matt.  His presence is so calming and enjoyable but I have never felt anything sexual for him.  He is tremendous.  I feel very grounded when he is around and also secure.  I have a lot of quirks and oddities and there is never any judgement, he just takes them all in stride.   Sometimes when I walk in circles he will just say, "Relax Ruby it is ok" or he will give me what I am looking for even though I did not say I was looking for anything, or he will laugh in a supportive way, if that makes sense.   One time Judy said to me that when people have said to her to just get over something that it does nothing to help help her.  I totally get that.  It does not help me either.  I can't really see how it can help anyone but my point is that Matt does not make feel like "just get over it", he makes me feel more like "you will get through this and I will still be here however you do".  I greatly appreciate that.  That makes sense and helps me so much more.

When I was younger I experienced a lot of vile and violent episodes.  They over developed my sense of fear, which was good back then as it provided protection for me however that heightened sense of fear stayed with me.  I still live with it and have to regularly focus on keeping it in perspective.  I am a very, very fearful person.  I fret and worry often because of it.  I do my best not to let it burden others so often people are surprised when I tell them that about myself.  This all gets me back to my dream.  That actor is handsome but I never thought much about him before, although I do enjoy that show.  In the show he plays a very protective and masculine character.  He provides security and strength and I think that is why he popped up in my dream.  I have never looked for anyone to take care of me but have always sought security.  Growing up I became very resilient and resourceful to take care of myself but sometimes you just want someone there to support you when you don't have all the strength to do so.  Someone that allows you to fall apart and then helps pick up all the pieces.  That is comfort to me.  

For someone that does not dream often, this dream really got to me.  It has been in my mind all day and as I prepare to go to sleep again, it is still very vivid to me.  Funny that my rare night time dream has now become fodder for my many, many day dreams.