The Stranger

Last time I spoke with my brother was in May when I went back east for a visit.  My brother is so weird and awkward to talk to.  I was feeling guilty, like I should talk with him so I called him.  I am not sure why I was feeling guilty as I know not speaking to me for a long time had absolutely no impact on him at all.  I do not hate my brother but I cannot say he is a good brother.  I can say he is a good guy.  He takes care of his family, works hard, contributes to the community but he just isn’t a good brother.  I often say to explain it that he is just someone that has the same DNA as me.  Another way to put it in order to try to explain is that he is like a stranger that I know.  I think he gets it from my dad.  They both are super great when they are talking to strangers yet talking to family is utterly painful.  It is still bizarre to me for people to say’ “Oh your dad (or brother) is so great.  What a good guy” as they know someone that I do not but feel like I should. I know my dad had a difficult time with his family growing up.  He never knew his father and then his step father was nuts, literally he was unbalanced but that was at a time when they just called a lot of mental heath issues “eccentric”.  But I saw my brother’s childhood and it was fine so I don’t get him at all.  He was the baby and always treated as special.  I do not say that with any bitterness, it just happens in families.  He was active and had a lot of friends and everything a normal childhood could be.  Also like my father it is not just me my brother is uncomfortable around.  He is super awkward with my siblings and parents also.  It drives my sisters bonkers.  They then get mad at me for not being upset at my brother’s odd and often callous behavior.  I don’t really see the point.  He has never been any different so it just does not bother me.  When speaking with him there are a lot of long and uncomfortable pauses.  He makes me feel uncomfortable as I am prying for info.  Even to say, “Oh so you went on a family vacation to Williamsburg this summer?  How was that?” I feel like I am asking for the most intimate, private details of his life.  But similar to when speaking with my father, I just prattle on and move through the strangeness.  I am positive that once my parents both pass away I will rarely see or speak with him.  That is not a happy thought but not an upsetting one either.  As I said he is a stranger that I know so when I no longer know him there will be no real emotional consequences.  I do feel bad that I barely have a relationship with his four children.  I cherish the relationships I have with the children of my sisters but that does not exist with for my brother’s children.  But relationships change and evolve so maybe one day I will be closer to them.  I do find it very odd that I was feeling guilty about no speaking to him for a while.  I was not mad or anything.  It is just not a thing we do.  I guess sometimes thinks just stick in my mind.  Talking with him we just chattered but I felt better after.  For me he is still my brother so I am glad he is happy with his life and doing well.