Wow that Romantic Comedy Sucked

I had a date tonight! He is around my age and he is from Boston too. We were to meet up in SD at this great cafe and I got stood up. I went in the place right on time. Loitered a bit looking around but no show. The waitress wanted to seat me but I declined and said I was waiting for someone. She said I could be seated and wait there but I said no as I wanted to make sure he showed up first. About 10 minutes into it I see this guy and think it might be him. It was difficult because he was wearing a baseball hat. I went over, said hi, introduced myself and we shook hands. All very nice but it wasn't him. The waitress shrugged her shoulders and put her hands palm up into the air. 30 minutes into it and she was still looking at me. I guess it is a no go I said and she said that it was his loss. How sweet. This place has the best cake in the city so I contemplated having a solo slice of sugar therapy but then declined. Instead I bought a book. It is called "This is For You". It is a remarkable little book and although I will never speak with that ass again, I know why I was at this cafe tonight. Here is an except from the book:

It's not that I feel alone - because I have friends. I have lots of friends. I know I have people who can hold me - and reassure me - and talk to me - and care for me - and think of me - but they can't be inside my head - with me all the time - FOR ALL TIME.

The Carpoolers

This is Erin. She is awesome. I drive her nuts and she still likes me. I enjoy her very much. She was born and raised here in Southern California but man she has the constitution of a Bostonian for sure. We work so well together but definitely know when to agree to disagree. She rocks.

This is Lily. I love Lily. She is lovely and splendid. The joy she makes me feel is amazing. I hope I can ever be even a tenth as gracious as she is. On Friday we had lunch together and I don't even remember what I was prattling on about but she just laughed and laughed. Man did I mess up her make up. When am away from work and think of her, I always feel pleased and privileged. She was born in Virgina and has been in SoCal for a while. So together we crossed 3,000 miles to meet up - and I am happy we did.

This One Hurt

So I meet bunches of people all the time. This is Gerado. He is from Mexico City and now lives in Houston. He is visiting family in TJ and we meet last week. I am just usually light and fluffy. I am not looking for anything much right now. I am feeling too off kilter to really balance out my needs paired with another person's. Well this one caught me off guard. He is so sweet, real and true. I get asked frequently for a lot of things and steer clear of such requests. Gerado asked me for nothing but my friendship and company. So I used up my first night out of the month and hung with Gerado. It seems like every person I freakin knew was out. I introduced him to Carlos, Sergio, Juan, Memo, Lalo, Jorge, Gustavo, Omar, Jesus, Angel and Saulo. Then on top of that together we meet Daniel and then Ecktor. Needless to say we had lots of fun with lots of laughs, dancing and general merriment. It bugged me. How awful is that. The more people we talked with the more I was annoyed. There is something special about about him and it reminded me of what I don't have instead of appreciating what I do. That is a negative point of view but it grabbed me and sucked me into its messy spiral. At the end of the night I could not say good bye to him. He is leaving this week to return to Houston. After a fun night with all this baggage getting heavier for me, I excused myself to the men's room. What I really did was slip out and leave. When I got to the street I sent a text saying to him, "thanks for everything - i have to go - i will never forget you". Gerado called today. He said goodbye. I could not. So this one got me. I am not clear as to why. Perhaps I am worked up over all the changes that are happening to me and will only increase in my near future. Perhaps it struck a cord of true. Perhaps I let my silly thoughts get the best of me. Perhaps it is why people smile. Whatever the scenario, he will be gone soon and probably for good but he is going to linger for a long while.

Have You Seen Danny?

I saw this poster and was so concerned. Poor Danny is lost. And as I read it I decided that I would do my best to keep my eyes on the lookout for Danny. But then something dawned on my... if I did happen to find this Mexican Red Headed Parrot --- how the hell do you get a parrot to come to you. Guess I need to go to the store and get some crackers.

02.02.99

Today would have been our 10th anniversary. Instead today is the day before I lay off my staff. On 02.02.99 I could have never made a guess this is how the story would go or where I would be in 10 years. For those of you thinking it has been over 2 years so get the fuck over it - read on. At one time I did but now I have no regrets (thank you Joseph). No woulda coulda shouldas. I was in love - it was real and true. I made bad decisions and take full ownership of them but would have made bad decisions regardless. It is not that I make bad decisions left and right but they are a part of life and they do have their place and purpose. So as I climb into my bed alone tonight. There are no tears and no smiles. I feel a bit blank and nervous about the impending major changes. I do not feel alone though and I know I am loved. That for me is what had made walking around on this huge marble important. That is how I have left my impression.

Home?

I grew up here. Spent many years here. My parents still live here and all my siblings, nieces and nephews live near by. I have many friends here and nearby as well. I know it inside and out. I think fondly of it and am glad I grew up here. But is it home? Does that make it home? When the people that love me think of me do they think of this or do they think of the kindness I bring to their world? Does this town pop to the top of the things that they like about me or is it superceded by the million watt smile I flash when I see them.

I am home. Home is me. I am always home.

How to Stay Warm

Seeing good friends always warms the heart.

PS Does this look like a Colgate ad to you too??