Thanksgiving

Cocteau Twins - Frosty The Snowman.

The holidays are here and at my part time job which is at a very all American middle of the road, don't rock the boat kind of retailer, they have started playing holiday songs.  On the loop of holiday songs is this song, Frosty the Snowman by the Cocteau Twins and it just blows my mind.  When I was in high school, oh the Cocteau Twins.  They were the cool kids go to.  Described as artsy and ethereal, they were loved by the critics and Liz Fraser, the lead singer, sang in her own made up language and yet you felt everything she sang, regardless if it was as she meant it or if you assigned it your own feeling - that was the beauty of their music. It was so bizarre they even did a Christmas song, never mind this one but it added to their artiness, kinda like Andy Warhol and Campbell's soup cans.  Way back in high school I was in this click of closeted gay kids, as it was 1985 and a catholic high school, so needless to say at times there was even more teenage angst than normal for high school.  Frank was the the most artistic, intelligent and daring of the bunch.  He even had a girl friend and she was 80's rock start cool and super model beautiful.  I got them together but I digress.  Tom was the opposite of Frank.  Super crazy fun, everyday guy that was the original gives zero fucks meme.  Well the Cocteau Twins was Frank's bank.  He "discovered" them.  He "adored" them.  They "spoke" to him.  For as every day guy Tom was, he liked them too.  I really enjoyed them too.  I remember being in Frank's living room as he played their record for the first time for me...  wow!  Anyway they were coming in concert and for some very unremarkable and unremembered reason, Frank was in a snit with Tom.  Tom told me that he wanted to go to the Cocteau Twins and asked me to go with him and I said yes.  Frank got wind of this and told me that if I go to see the Cocteau Twins with Tom that he will never speak with me or Tom ever again.  I swear.  What a crazy diva fit, right?  Even back in high school where histrionics are normal, I knew this was super ridiculous.  I told Tom and his response was fuck him.  Well we went and Frank wrote us both off, exactly like he said he would.  It made me sad because I was enamored with Frank.  I never had a crush but just admired his smarts and aesthetic plus he was so fun.  We had great times,.  Oh well the concert was so great and was a blast.  Just the first of many great times I had with Tom so although unsettling at the time, it all worked out in the wash.  Tom was awesome.  So anyways this big long story because flip all these years by and now I working at my part time job, focusing on trying open credit, and I hear this song and my mind floods and I need to remain focused yet there are just whirls of memories and thoughts.

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The Best

My parents sent me a card for my birthday.  My Mom always makes them out but I know she showed my Dad before sending it.  I got it in the mail Monday and she marked it for me to not open it until 08/17 but I ignored that and ripped it open.  Of course all that silly Happy Birthday confetti flew all over the place, which I knew would happen and that made me smile.  The card itself is really funny and gave me a chuckle but it is what she wrote at the signature that made my day.  I know I am a mommy's boy and my mother is bat shit crazy but I just love her.  I love too that she started to sign the wrong page, that is so imperfectly perfect. 

Maine

Look at everyone up at Old Orchard Beach.  Like I said in an earlier post it initially made me sad that I am not there.  One because I really want to be there having fun with my family and two that financially it made me feel a bit messed up that I could not work it out.  But now that has past.  I have received plenty of photos and videos and it is making me completely happy that they are having so much fun.  Even my dad has a smile which is rare totally lets me know 100% they are having an awesome time.  Seems strange to see all those hoodies, hats and sweaters in a picture from August.  It must be chilly there but that does not seem to be stopping the fun.  What a great picture.  I was so very, very happy when I got this.

Good Morning

My "new" car is working out well, thank goodness.  Although it does have, as mentioned before, a working cd player and cassette player - the windows do not have tinting.  No I am not gansta as suggested by a friend, it is just a necessity out here to have tinted windows.  My sisters said they would pay for it for my birthday so I went down on Sunday morning to get it done.  Oddly enough my friend and two of her friends just had theirs done so they recommended the place that I went to.  It was just a couple towns away in a town called Vista.  Although Vista is close by, I do not go there often.  I just wanted the back half of my car done as that is what I had in my other car and it helped greatly.  Plus it is illegal to have the front half done although it seems like everyone does.  It was going to take about 2 hours and so I went for a walk.  

During my walk I found all sorts of great stuff.  The first and most impressive was a Victorian house!  Those are a big deal to me out here as there are not nearly as many here as there are back east so coming across one is always a treat.  It was in muted colors but still pretty.  I think it may be being used as an office but I could not tell for what kind of company.  It was in fantastic condition too which made me happy to see it still alive, functional and being cared for.  

I then came across a really funky place that looked a lot less out of place than the Victorian.  It kinda looked like an old school house and was Mission style.  I could tell it was still being used but again I could not tell as what.  My favorite part was the bell and weather vane at the top.  I stared at that for ages.  I am not sure how they ring the bell or if they even still do but it looked to be in great condition so I was hoping they do still ring it.  If it rang while I was staring at it then I probably would have crapped my pants in delight.

After eating a super yummy spinach omelette (which I did not take a picture of) on a shady outdoor patio at a restaurant, I thought found some art!  Oh I love coming across art -- so makes my day.  This was an electrical box that was painted to look much more appealing than the standard solid industrial green they are normally colored.  Perhaps not are worthy of the Louvre but I still loved it.  I wonder if when the artist goes past it while driving on that busy road, if they think, "Ohhhh there is my art!".  I certainly hope they do.

My windows came out awesome and it will make a huge difference.  The guys at the shop were super nice and I thought the pricing was very reasonable, especially since they come with a three year warranty.  Tinting is a terrific present too as I will use it every single day :)  All in all a terrific Sunday morning over there in Vista.  I certainly must come again.

An Emotional Day

I was doing errands today and stopped at the second hand shop to poke around for a bit.  They had a pile of cassettes and they were only 25 cents each!  I know it is 2017 but I just got a new car which is a 2002 - hey no cracks as at least it is of this millennium.  Anyway my "new" car has both a working cd player and cassette player, which brings me back to my excitement over the 25 cent cassettes.  I sorted through them and among them I came across Anne Murray's greatest hits How could I pass that up?  I adore her.  As I drove around and listened to it it made my mind wonder, especially this song.  It made me feel emotional and that is always hard.  I texted some friends that I was listening to Barry Manilow (another 25 cent cassette find) and Anne Murray and was feeling emotional today.  One friend recommended I get some cardio in, which is definitely not bad advice but I said I needed to clean and the response was that my mental health was important and cleaning could wait.  I agree with that statement in general yet I only said I was having an emotional day, I did not say that it was a negative thing.  Sure some of the emotions today were hard.  My sisters and the kids left for a week up in Old Orchard Beach Maine and I so wanted to be there.  I could not financially make that happen and that crushed me.  My birthday is this week, the kids are so fun and I have so many great memories of staying at the beach with my family, to be with them this week would have been beyond the best.  Also it is really upsetting to me not to be there because I want to be so much which is coupled with that it makes me feel like a failure that I cannot be.  I had to work tonight at my second job and as I walked in my favorite niece sent me pictures of them at the beach.  I literally was walking to the doors when the pictures came through.  I looked at my phone and the pictures immediately made tears well up in my eyes and I stopped dead in my tracks.  I allowed myself that minute but then thought to let go of that silliness and be happy that they were going to be having a great week.  Plus she just got there and her first thought was to send me pictures.  That is powerful demonstration of how important I am to her and that she wants to share happiness and make me happy not sad.  I shut my phone off and swallowed hard then walked on in to start my job.

That is an example of how emotions can be difficult but also Anne Murray made me think of one of my best memories ever., which is when I saw Anne Murray live with Michelle.  I don't remember the year but it was at least 25 years ago at minimum.  It was down on the cape and Michelle bought  me tickets for my birthday, which the date of the show was close to.  What a splendid night.  Anne was so good live and it was an intimate, outdoor venue so that was all wonderful and pleased me to no end.  But what really makes the memory outstanding is how fun it was.  Left to her own devices Michelle would never have been there but she was there and mainly because she knew how happy it would make me.  I got to see an amazing show that is forever ingrained in my kinda shoddy memory but also spend time with someone who was so happy for no other reason than to see that I was on top of the world happy that day.   That is a truly special and amazing feeling. That's the other end of the spectrum of emotions, the joy and the happiness.

I am a super emotional person which can make me super strong or incredibly weak and with a 50,000 foot view of that I  can recognize that emotions exist in pairs like two sides of a  coin.  It comes with the territory and is par for the course and any other applicable cliche to state the price of being human.  As I get ready to go to sleep for the night I look back on today and think, "today was a good day" and so after my emotional day I will sleep just fine.  This is a milestone week for me so we will see how it goes but I am feeling positive for it to unfold, bumps and all.

Sometimes Annoying

So my life runs in circles, I have written about it before.  Usually it thrills me to no end - the connection, how it all ties together - seeing the different parts of my life intersect - it is so awesome.  For example Kym is awesome and I met her like 27 years ago at Lechmere and she knows Michael (who actually asked her out as kids) and now I live 3,000 miles away from my parents home and yet just 10 miles away from her.  That is an example of a most excellent circle in my life and I love it.  More often than not the circles are wonderful but sometimes the are just so annoying.  At my part time job there was this puke of a kid named Jacob.  I am sorry I am not perfect and there are some people I just do not like, much like I know I am not the cup of tea for many people.  He was like 20 and the best way I can describe him is as a little prick.  He played all sorts of games and I knew it but management just loved him because he got a million people to apply for a credit card and nothing else matters in retail.  Honestly you could literally tell a customer to fuck off but if you are getting millions of them to apply for a credit card then you are golden and would not have any repercussions.  So the store manager just fawned over this idiot and I knew he was up to shit and finally he got fired for playing games with the rewards program.  The store manager actually cried because since that is a security issue she had no control and had to fire him.  Because I am an ass when I saw the store manager next I said, "Jeez where is Jacob, I have not seen him in ages." knowing full well the story.  I am not above it all, sometimes I sink into the muck and have to get my digs in.  Anyway so he gets the boot and I do not miss him at all and am enjoying the store manager being bummed out her golden child getting bounced and I never have to see him again - wrong!  I got to redbox and get a movie.  It is outside a Walgreens, I never go into Walgreens, but I think to myself that I am thirsty so I go in and fuck me Jacob is working there and the only cashier.  I thought "whatever" and got my drink thinking he would just pretend not to know me but no.  He was super friendly and nice, as if he was not a total asshole to me for a year".  I was polite back, as I said I never go to Walgreens so was thinking I would not have to ever see him again - still wrong!!!!  After I finish at my part time job, I head on over to the grocery store.  I am in line putting items from my wagon onto the cash register belt and fuck me but there he is behind me.  I smile and say, "oh we met again" and he says, 'hey how is it going?".  Please God, stop the insanity as I cannot take this! BUT NO.  I go to the gas station and go into pay and FUCK ME he is in line.  He looks at me and says "hey" and I am like ok stop stalking me and he laughs although I am being serious.  This is all in the course of a week.  There are 140,000 people in my city, why?????  What are the odds???  I guess this is some bizarre test to teach me humility, not to hold grudges, be kind to my fellow man regardless, etc.  Who the fuck knows but it is annoying the crap out of me.  I will admit that each time I see him it gets less annoying and I do not dislike him nearly as much as when we worked together.  I think another lesson is to count my blessings as most the time the circles are awesome and I love them and am lucky they happen.  Fingers crossed for zero more sightings but I am not feeling that to be the case.  Eh its fine.  I will just keep being polite and let the lesson soak in. Uff.

Stuck in Oz

My Australian journey continues!  I was looking at movie titles online and saw listed Priscilla Queen of the Desert.  Other than seeing that movie in the theater when it came out in 1994, I do not think I have seen it again.  I don't usually watch movies over again but I tonight I pushed play.  I could only remember snippets plus Guy Pearce's tight body - well fit as they say in England.  I very glad I watched it again.  Their accents are difficult at times in the movie and I always watch movies with the subtitles so this go round I did not miss anything.  Very funny movie.  Man it came out 24 years ago!  How nuts.  That is totally another lifetime ago.  I feel like I saw that movie with friends but I can't remember who.  I do know in general at that time Vivian and Princess were around and boy were they taken with this movie.  Matt was around too.  He is so funny, kinda like the ringmaster of all the insanity.  He is so good, always has been.  I am still really obsessed with Josh from that Australian TV show please like me.  I hope it does something soon, another TV show or movie or something.  I miss my friends :)  

More Australians

I saw this documentary on Netflix and it has my head spinning.  A girl Alice lives in Hollywood and works on a cam site which means men pay to log on via the internet and see her on camera.  They can speak with her and she performs sexual acts for them.  This is actually a big big business on the internet.  She is not particularly attractive.  A little pudgy, huge fake books, blemished skin and really over processed blonde hair.  She also did not come off as smart or with much depth but eh she makes a living at this and earns more than enough to take care of herself.  One of clients lives in Australia.  I would guess but he and Alice are mid-twenties.  He has a job, lives alone and takes care of himself.  He said he was horribly bullied as a child and has never had a real life girlfriend.  He did not say he was a virgin but I assumed that by what he did say.  With him in Australia, and she in Hollywood, they have had an online cam relationship for four years!  It moved off of the cam site and became more regular though skype and he sent her directly all sorts of money and gifts.  She had been married for the past two years and said she loves her husband greatly.  The husband knows about her job and her special Australian client.  She is full of all sorts of BS that she truly believes because we all make our own reality.  "Oh I love my husband dearly and he will always come first but I would say I am poly-amorous".  The guy in Australia knows about the husband too, at times they even skype with each other???  I so tried to keep an open mind and not judge as not only do people make their own reality, and they also make their own happiness.  But it was just all bonkers and a facade.  Anyway the Australian guy buys a plane ticket for Alice to visit him in Australian.  She agrees and even is all giddy packing underwear, bikinis and dildos that the Australian guy bought her.  She gets there and meets the Australian guy and the illusion is utterly smashed once she goes on the other side of the looking glass.  Much to her credit she immediately sees finally that the Australian guy believes her to be his girlfriend and that they have a true relationship more profound than just transnational.  Although they have had done all sorts of "intimate" acts together on cam, they do not have any physical intimacy while together (although you could tell he wanted to).  Alice is only there a long weekend but the guy does not come as quickly to the same realization she had until she apologizes to him for holding him back and telling him that he needs know to go out into the world and have a real relationship - that he has a lot to offer and someone will be very happy with him.  In the end she was very kind to him and super sensitive.  He is chubby but good looking still plus super sincere and sweet.  He agrees that even though he enjoyed the last four years and it gave him what he needed, he does want to have a true relationship and feels the strength now to seek it.  WOW, again this show had my head spinning.  Like I said I really had to restrain myself not to judge them.  I did find her very off putting.  But that sincere and true way it ending made me pleased for holding back my judgement.  Yes it was a very unconventional path they took but where the journey lead pleased me.  Online is so strange.  Sometime people give it credit for being more real than they should and then you have those on the other side do no take it as seriously as they should.  

So Far...

Ok so here is the run down.  Fri, Sat, Mon, and Tue - no smoke.  Sun and Wed - smoke.  I paid $8 on Sunday for cigarettes and only $3 on Wednesday.  They were so cheap because I was in Mexico.  I only bought one pack and did not bring any back with me.  I have no near future plans to visit Mexico soon, I go like twice a month.  It was fun today as we say Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 in one of those lazy boy seating VIP cinemas and tickets were only $5 each!  Anyway Thursday back to no smoking and I refuse (plus can't afford) CA cigarette prices so we shall see how this goes.  Also I have noticed an immediate difference.  I already don't cough anymore and I can actually smell the flowers in the yard.  That's pretty amazing for only 4 days of not smoking.  I have also noticed though that at night time I have been eating more.  When the craving strikes it gets fierce.  I press on my patch and pace.  I am not sure if it is weird but when I pace it comforts me greatly for all sorts of things.  Sometimes it is not enough so I grab food and eat it.  Now I do not have as much food in the house and I am not going to restock it for a bit.  I won't update you daily on this but please know I am trying.

Please Like Me

I watched this Australian TV series and I enjoyed it, I think.  It is called Please Like Me and the main character is gay.  There were four seasons.  The first episode opens with his beautiful female girlfriend breaking up with him saying that the reasons are because they have drifted apart and also he is gay.  I thought ok that is a good way to begin and grab my attention.  Honestly though as I was watching the first season I was thinking why am I watching this, the main character is so mean and tries to disguise it as being funny.  Mean humor is not funny.  I did keep watching though because I was intrigued they were in Australia and Australians.  It never really says where they live and I don't know Australian cities enough to guess from the scenery.  I just kept watching to learn more about Australians.  It was difficult though as I have no way of judging if it was a real depiction of Australian life or not.  For example - when Friends was on, it was not remotely realistic in its depiction of Americans living in NYC.  The apartment alone, do you know how much that would have cost?  So for this show I kept looking at their houses, accents, and words they use.  It really intrigued be but again I have no clue how close or far away they are from reality.

I did keep watching it and then he went on a blind date and the guy actually called him on his meanness. During the blind date the other guy said that he was going to go as he did not feel they would be compatible since he wanted someone nice and the main character was mean.  This startled the main character, as well as me that the show would be so bold to call him out.  The main character then thought about it and did not do a 180 but he did become nicer which pleased me.  There is also a whole group of insane background characters that made the show really interesting.  His mother was bipolar and tried to kill herself a couple times.  She was super sad but he was good to her.  He rarely gets angry with her or her actions.  He states that he understands it is an illness and who knows what awful reality in her mind she has created and lives with daily.  I thought he was very compassionate.  Judy made comments like this before and how it was harder to love a person with mental illness because of it.  I have to agree with this. I am not sure how I could do with it if a parent was bipolar.

I watched all four seasons and read that there will not be anymore.  It made me sad that the show ended but also because I feel like I lost some friends.  How weird is that right?  I asked my friend Loren if me feeling like that meant the show was good or that I am sad.  He responded, "Maybe both but the same for all of us",  How nice was that, it made me feel good.  Overall I liked the show.  I wish there would be more.  The characters were super oddballs and just doing their best.  Sometimes their best was awesome and sometimes it was awful.  It made sense and felt real for me.  I am super glad I watched it and had them in my life for a bit.

Double Down Loss

So I woke up Saturday and said, "NO smoking today!". I can do that with 100% confidence when looking at just one day.  So I did not smoke at all on Friday or Saturday, which made me very pleased.  Well this morning, Sunday, I got complacent.  I thought I can have a smoke today so I bargained with myself.  I said I could only smoke if I walked down to buy them.  So I walked down to the gas station and bought a pack.  Fuck me they are now $8 a pack since they passed a new cigarette tax law.  I get the rational of the tax but it still pisses me off.  They collect now more than $3 a pack and yet will still say things like they don't have money to have buses take kids to school or schools ask for donations of office supplies. How is that possible?  So now I am doubly mad that I smoked today and I paid $8 to do so!!!  Ufff I am definitely not smoking on Monday! 

Challenge

It is not 2008 and today is not March 12th but I got patches and I am not going to smoke today.  Can I last a week?  I do not know about that.  We shall see.  I can only say with 100% certainty that today I am not going to smoke.  My challenge is that I like to smoke.  I am crazy because I know the negative health effects and it has aged me but I still enjoy it.  It is nuts because I know also that it is just a bad habit and a crutch but still it comforts me.  Plus it also stinks and I SUPER hate that!  Smelling like a cigarette is the worst.  And still even with all that said, I can only commit to today and I will still take that as an accomplishment.  As for tomorrow, we shall see but I have a week's worth of patches so I am going to do my best plus if one day is an accomplishment well then two days is a double accomplishment and so on.  Smoke free Friday - woohoo!

The Kids

Here are the kids on Easter.  What a great photo.  They are all very good to me and I appreciate that and love them.  The older ones are in their 20's - funny to call them kids.  The younger ones are my brother's.  The small boy in the front in greann is Jonathan or maybe Jonathon - I am not really sure, is that bad.?  I don't know my brother's kids too much but I sill love them.  Anyway when I was in MA last month and saw Jonathan/thon -- he said, "Hi Grandpa!".  I thought it a bit funny.  First I was happy that it means he recognizes me as a member of his family -- Grandpa is so much better than if he had said, "Hi Stranger".  Secondly look at him.  He is one of those little boys that looks like an old man - so funny, that cracks me up.

The Style Council - Walls Come Tumbling Down!

Are you gonna try to make this work,
or spend your days down in the dirt?
You see things can change!
YES an'walls can come tumbling down!

You Look Marvelous

I got to go to Massachusetts in March and spend some time with my family.  On the Saturday I was there they held a big Sons of Italy shindig.  My parents have been members for a long time and my father is a former president so they were thrilled to get all dressed up and go to the party.  They did not get home until 11:30!  That is insane for them now but shows what a great time they had.  When they walked in my mother could no stop talking about it.  It was so clear they enjoyed themselves.

My family makes fun of me because I take lots of pictures but look how good my parents look, how could I not take their picture?  I guess mostly they say stuff because I still use an actual camera but hey at least it is digital and not a 35mm film camera.  See those gold necklaces my mother has on?  I do not remember her without them.  I don't know where they will go when she goes but I will miss them. Her without those necklaces is like Ernie and Bert without striped shirts.  The charm is her zodiac, the scorpion.  Although I cannot picture her without them, they are not her and whatever happens to them is fine.  They are completely her but she is not them.  I have better things with me each and every day that my mother gave me.

Me and my niece Marina helped my dad get dressed.  It was 3 in the afternoon and the party started at 7 that night and he wanted to get dressed?  See his clutched hand in the picture, it does not work so well and he needs help getting all dressed up like this.  My mother told him that he was crazy and it was too early to get ready and she would not help him get dressed.  I took his wanting to get dressed too early not as a sign that he is old and crazy, which he is, but that he was excited, truly excited over this event.  My dad rarely gets excited over anything so I asked Marina if she would help me dress Papa, which is what all the kids call him.  She is so good and said, "Sure Papa we'll help you".  Oh god, it took an hour!!!  It was very funny.  Like I said, he was excited so he was in a good mood but man it was so hard because Marina and I kept laughing and laughing.  I mean she is a nurse but he is her grand father so that is kinda icky for her.  He got his underwear, shirt and socks on by himself and we just had to do the rest.  I buttoned his shirt, got his pants on and tucked his shirt in.  Marina was looking at me soooooo relieved that I did all that heavy lifting.  But I was in the front and she was in the back and so I reached in and buttoned his suspenders to his pants in the front.  I said Marina you need to reach in the back and button his suspenders to his pants.  She asked in a very serious tone. "Are you serious?".  I guess reaching into the back of your grand dad's trousers to button his suspenders does have a bit of a ewww factor.  So I replied "Yes I need to hold everything together,  just button them real quick.".  She said, "Ohhhhhhh Papa!".  And then she reached in and we all started laughing, me, my father and my mother.  It was a really funny family moment. Then Marina and I got the rest of him squared away, his collar and tie and jacket.  But even with all that work and all the laughs, we had him done at 4, again the function started at 7.  So he went out and sat on the porch, like he normally does each day, although that day he was all dressed up in his suit as he sat and watched the traffic go by.   

My Fortune

I got Chinese food yesterday (04/06/17) and this was my fortune!!!  I know it is just a piece of paper with words but it still made my day.  You can make fortunes come true and I am going to work hard on making this one become a reality.  I don't negate today, I have good things but more good things is not a bad thing!

My Return

Here I am, returning to my blog for real.  I have had many request to do so, um well two actually.  It was getting difficult to continue but eh that's just an excuse for laziness.  I did miss it.  Sadly Judy who inspired me to start this blog is no longer in my life.  I can't even go into details about it because I really am not sure what it was all about.  Long story short, it got super intense, out of frustration I said something hurtful  and she felt it indicative of me being an "abusive and vile" person and that is that.  Ella fue as they say in Spanish.  I am not speaking badly of her.  I have nothing bad to say.  I have said it a million times, everyone creates their own reality so although it hurts, I respect how she feels about me and don't wish to create any more misery in her life. I do sincerely wish her well.  I don't hold on to anger or negativity so will just let history do its job and hold on to only all the good points we shared.  As for me, well I am just gonna post what I wish, the good, bad, exciting, boring, or indifferent.  I have some stories to catch up on also and hopefully will be having new adventures.  The hiatus has ended!