What Are Words For...

I have a friend and he is married and has a baby, beautiful home, and both he and his with have very good paying jobs. This friend needed to talk because a male friend of his is getting married and it is extremely upsetting to my friend. Upsetting because he likes his friend - a lot. That is a bit confusing.

Then a guy I worked with over 15 years ago contacted me out of the blue. When we worked together he was married to a woman and yet always screwing around on her with guys. She found out because he gave her an STD! At the time he had no one to speak with so he came out to me and told me all about it. I gave advice but flashback to this week and he is still married to the same woman and yet now has two children. He is in the grips of a self admitted, very tough mid-life crisis because he is so bitter over the choice he made and feels trapped.

I have another friend that wanted to talk this week because he although he loves his wife the prime motivator for him marrying her when he did, was to get his papers. He got his papers and now three years into it and he is miserable with her. He actually was crying as he spoke to me.

You know, I want to be positive. I want to imagine it speaks highly of me to be so trusted as a confidant and a friend. I cannot be positive though. In the midst of all this, I take pills to forget my own worries and to sleep at night. When I do finally feel sleepy I go and lay down in utter darkness and my only thought is that I want everything to stop. I focus on the sound of the clock to overcome the noises in my own head. As I hear the seconds tick away once it is the only audible sound in my black universe - I think to myself that if I can stop the sound well then I will have frozen time and everything will stop and I won't feel anything. I do everything within my mental capacity to stop it and it hasn't stopped yet.

The photo on this post is some actor in the 5th season of the British tv show Skins. I do not know his name but this episode I watched was all about him and he looks just like my friend that got married for papers. I have posted pictures on my blog of that friend before - you can scroll through if you are curious enough to compare.

I watch a lot of tv now - visual valium. I don't know where I am going with this post. Answers are such ephemeral things. As soon as you get one it evaporates and I start focusing on the ticking of the clock again.