Stalker.com

I have not been here for a bit so I have a lot to say!

I cannot tell you which I get more of as it is dead heat. First are the emails from the Prince of some African kingdom called Zawoobie who is in dire need of my assistance to assert his rightful place and claim his fortune. Of course for my part in the matter I will be rewarded handsomely. As you can see in older posts, I did indeed reply to the prince but as of yet have not gotten a response and I am not holding my breath.

Next are the kind folks who wish to assist me enlarge the size of my penis. While I greatly appreciate this concern but me of so many body issues, I am perfectly fine with my penis size and functioning. I have a size 13 foot, size 11 ring finger, and there is little else about me that is small. I will let you connect the dots and no pictures will be posted - although if truly interested, everyone has their price. You can reach me at holyshitthatshuge.com.

Lastly are the wonderful folks at stalker.com (aka facebook) who wish to let me know of the hordes of long lost chums desperately seeking a reconnected acquaintance with me. WHAT THE HELL? First off I would not go to an establishment that a certain pal I know but do not wish to see frequented, so why join stalker.com? Invariably the next answer is well I joined and I reconnected with Lenny Lena who I have not seen since 3rd grade. You know what - my only memory of Lenny is that he smelled like pee pee! Although I trust, and hope, this is no longer the case - just what are we going to chat about? I love the question "What have you been up to?" from someone you have not seen in ages. Hmmmm let's recap shall we: I was a repressed homosexual for many years which lead to a devastatingly bad choice of college for myself. Due to this bad choice I was driven to the near brink of insanity and lost my chances to obtain a degree. Later I worked at Lechemere the grand epicenter of the universe (just ask Steven Hawkins) followed by falling in love with a man who was so uptight if you inserted a lump of coal in his anus then presto! 45 minutes later you had a diamond. I surrendered so much control to him I again found myself at the brink of insanity and this time also it was accompanied by me being at the wrong end of the barrel of a .45 caliber gun. I crossed the country to settle, learned Spanish, am now losing my job and wondering if life in a cardboard box is really as crappy as it seems. Guess that sums it up. And how are you?

I have read the oh so enlightened articles that state not being on stalker.com is tantamount to being a caveman. Well please be sure that this caveman has written in his own feces on his cozy cave wall, "With all due regret because of the time I spend contacting my friends and family via US Mail, telephone, cell phone, email, im's, text messages, and actually (heaven forbid!) visiting them in person - I do not have the time for stalker.com".

I have 3 email addresses, love youtube, buy and sell on ebay, dig up ungodly treasures on iTunes, am thrilled with netflix, have a blog and an embassing number of porn site subcriptions - I feel solid with my presence in the cyberworld. So when the fad passes and we talk again please be rest assured that I will be relaxing in my little cave home with my pet rock and mood ring.

Lastly I do indeed know that there is exactly one person on stalker.com with my same and very unique name. If I do indeed ever break down and join it will simply be to befriend myself. In the meantime dear friends please know that whatever may come of stalker.com -- you are stuck with me for life - and quite possible longer.