I know it takes two to tango so I do not put on the blame on solely Bob. I can see my portion and also know that timing is everything, I do not believe we had it on our side. I ended up putting in a tremendous amount of time and energy into something even though I knew for a long time it was not right. I have admitted in other posts that I am foolish – sometimes being foolish is a positive sometimes it is a negative. I think I can move mountains and that is foolish at times but a good attitude in general. What I need to do is to learn to recognize when the mountain can not be moved.
I worked so well under Bob’s control and so I got caught up in having a relationship that I gave up too much of myself. I let the abuse go on much too long. I could not figure a way out and yet could not stop trying and hence all my sins and flaws came out exaggerated and were presented in a very public forum. This all worked neatly for Bob, as I knew it would. Everything could fit squarely on my shoulders and he could walk away with the feeling that it was not him at all – it never is.
Then came this friends bullshit. You could not treat me well in a relationship, I did not make you happy, I have seen how you treat your friends and I find it despicable and now we are going to be friends. Call a spade a spade – you just needed me to slowly fade so that when you entered into a new relationship and no longer had any need for me then the big kiss off would be that much easier for you. Well it is no longer about what is easier for Bob.
He is now in a relationship and the so the big kiss off came but I did not go away as planned. I told him that our 7 years meant much more to me as I put in sincere and genuine effort because it was that important. I wanted to speak with him to end it like men. Bob gives nothing to anyone – he cannot and will not – even more so knowing that someone is asking it of him. I was asking something of him.
So I stepped to his level and barraged him his truly ugly remarks that I would never have normally said although they were all true. He hates that I exist since I have seen so far behind his curtain. His plans are transparent and motives clear and they only serve to benefit him.
Last night he conceded and we had our final talk. He told me he hates me and will do so until the day he dies. He told me because of what I have said in this past month if he saw me on the street he would not even acknowledge me. How convenient again it is all me to blame. I told him that perhaps I would buy that if I did see first hand him do the very same thing to April and she was nowhere as mean as I was. She is now his good friend again. He and I both know he would not acknowledge me because that is his mode of operation and has little to do with me or anything I have done. I have witnessed him do it and heard him then comment on the gratification it gave him to do so. He knows this.
He wanted to know what I needed for closure and I told him that I needed him to admit that he abused me, and that he is far better off for having had me in his life than he would have been if I were not. I am after all a man that has literally had a loaded gun up to my head because I was so desperate for him to hear my voice over the voice of his own pride. I needed to know that this was not all a waste of my life and time. He admitted it. I moved the mountain and although it is not the one I worked so hard to move, I did move it.
I wish him no ill. I am glad that I was able to get him to a point in his life with so many positives. Before our conversation I had many regrets – they are now consolidated into one. My regret is that he never could put me before his pride so he missed out on something more than he will ever know as well as me knowing because he has not learned how to do this things will continue badly for him -- no matter what the façade portrays.
I will never see or talk to him again. I will think of him less often and get to the point where I never think of him. The book is complete and I have a new one to write with a better ending. I will continue to put my energy in to positive pursuits in my life. I have many miles yet to travel and am glad that I am back on the road.
Por Ti by Belanova is such genius pop perfection. Seriously I don't care what language you speak - play this clip and just try not to get hooked by this infectious song.
I was looking for inexpensive fun for April - I know that could get me into trouble - and you would think after years of TV on opposite dueling couches that this would be the last thing I would think is fun BUT I got tickets to go see the taping of two TV shows.
So many great friends!
The Scissor Sisters are to write the songs for a stage musical version of Armistead Maupin's chronicle of life in 1970s San Francisco, Tales of the City.
