Pain

So I have been cleaning and going through my stuff. I am trying to organize but actually just like playing with my treasures and trinkets. The other night I went out and thought it would be fun to wear some of my 80’s pins that I recently came across. I was quite pleased with the arrangement of Siouxsie and the Banshees, Aztec Camera and Human League on my sweater (yes sweater - yeah right, I know tell me about it).

Well I struck up a conversation with a guy that was quite taken with my Siouxsie button. It really is like an alternative universe out here. After a shockingly fun discussion on 80’s music we talked about politics, cultural differences, and literature. I can definitely understand the cliché “the Comfort of Strangers”. It is so easy to talk with a stranger since there is nothing else but conversation.

He was wearing a long sleeve button up oxford with his sleeves rolled up and cuffed at about his elbows. I noticed marks on his arm. The club was dim (I was actually surprised he could make out my buttons) so I could not clearly see the marks and did not know if he just had something on him. I asked about them. He told me he had been a cutter. Needless to say I was instantly intrigued and when that happens we all know me – here come the questions.

He was not boastful or proud of the marks but he was straightforward and honest. I think even more so because it did not freak me out or make me think any negative opinions of him. I know my curiosity is sometimes too much but it is always genuine. We talked about cutting and he really let me in on a lot of pain he has experienced in his life. I have never cut myself but could empathize. I can understand the pain in his head and heart were too much and cutting his arm moved that pain temporarily to another area that was more manageable. We all employ that technique in some manner.

I way crossed the boundary of strangers and asked him if I could touch them. He very willingly agreed. Again the club is dim and so it was not until I felt them that I really got the complete idea of these marks that ran up and down the length of the inside of his forearm. It hurt me that this stranger hurt himself because of the pain he felt. I could only imagine the crushing depths he was at then. I told him that I was sorry for the pain he experienced that caused those marks. Sounds hollow in writing but he heard the sincerity in my voice. He smiled, thanked me and told me he appreciated my words more than he could express.

You Decide

I have been cleaning my affectionately known "junk" draw" and don't know if I should keep this posters. What do you think?

Another Confession

I am so envious of his hat!

The Power of the Flower Lives On

I grace thee with my presence.

Worship me peasants.

Human

I want you to give me something that you never had to give.

I don't want to be dramatic and a slave to ego.

I get lost but am still on the path.

I can't find what I know exists.

I need to press the delete key.

I think a tirade will help.

I forget my blessings.

I do exist.

I am,

I

Screw You

I don't like going back to anger. It suits you better and I don't usually go slumming. Sometimes there is no choice.

... And to amend my life

Ok so I will confess I actually called him last weekend while I was in MA. I do not want a relationship with him in any manner -- I just have too much respect for the small amount of good that there was to leave it in anger, fear and bitterness. I thought perhaps we could at least move the body to a better resting place. Of course his terrific spin was that I can not let it go after 2 years. Funny when he is the one the who prolonged the death of the patient. I pulled the plug back in August of 2004 (perhaps a post one day to explain but not today).

Of course there was yelling and words of hate from him but luckily I do not subscribe to the philosophy of he who is loudest is right. He unfortunately is still 14 and pissed that his mother died and left him with a shitbag of a father. I have empathy for what was clearly a life altering event however it is his fault not hers that he chooses to live without compassion and sees the world as crap.

I am glad with my pleasant thoughts yet do not mull them over using rose colored glasses. As stated previously in this blog -- my attitude is that, it is what you make it --- not it is what it is.

Michelle's Memories

All the vacations you took to clean your room. Then came the move. You finally emptied your grandmothers drawers.

Editor's Note: I know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions but I really did take all that time off to clean my room. I try so hard not to be a pack rat but it is definitely a constant struggle. Special super thanks to Judy who spent the first day of her recent vacation cleaning my apartment. It has never looked so good and then super bonus she helped me rearrange the place. Such a cruel twist of fate that I am the only gay man that needs a visit from the Queer Eye guys.

Two Great Tastes...

A cutie porn star and one of my all time favorite 80's song.
It is a wonderful life.

One Bad Apple

It drives me nuts that I have so many good, happy and cherished reasons to go back to Boston and yet here I sit thinking of just the one bad apple. I guess I could learn the fine art of pretense that he has masted. I prefer instead to meet it head on. Funny, it just dawned on me how many times he told me ---- it is what it is. Nope, not for me ---- for me it is what you make it.

Boston here I come!

I've got a Secret

But only Pedro knows it and he is not telling anyone!

The Tour Continues

We had a great time in SD - as you can tell by this picture we took in Balboa Park. Moving on to LA now for a couple days for some more fun!

Michelle's Memories

Bonnie Pointer, you, me and Neelam.

Editors Note: Oh how fun was this. It was at a club in Boston named Oz near Quincy Market that lasted about one week. She sang in the middle of the dance floor and we all danced around her. I say we because there was only like 10 people including us. Every time I hear this song I always think of that night and the fun we had. So glad the Village People cancelled!

Bonus Memory: I remember dancing with this very cute guy. It was one of the first times I had danced with a man that I did not know at a gay bar and for some reason workboots are very clear in my memory - hmmmm. I was so excited but did not speak to him. This was well before the internet so later I placed an ad in the Phoenix under the Missed Chances section and I actually got a letter in response! I promptly sent a letter back with a photo of myself and the story stops there. I never got anything back. Just another in a long string of heartbreaks but c'est la vie - I still love this memory through and through

Am I a Perv?

Or does this panda mural at World Famous San Diego Zoo depict something naughty?

Here I Am

Hello and sorry for the short hiatus. Last week was nuts - had both my boss and his boss in town the first half of the week and Judy arrived for the second half of the week. Unfortunately I forgot about May Gray but we have been making the most of it and having plenty of laughs. She loved SD but TJ not so much (but we only went to a club there - although she does agree that Agustin is such a cute boy). Funny she noticed the huge amount of neon all over SD like I did when I first got here. I am glad she is here to visit but I am also glad that she loves SD too.

Happy Cinco de Mayo

Home?

I got tickets for my friend Margaret on her birthday to see Michael Buble in San Diego. She asked me to go with her and although I was not terribly eager to see him, well I knew I would have a fun night with her. The show was last Friday night and boy was I pleasantly surprised. A terrific voice for sure but what a true showman. It was an electric show filled with fun, touching momements and sincerity.
When it came time for him to sing his big song "Home" - there were these huge monitors showing San Diego sites like Gaslamp, Petco Park, Old Town, Point Loma, Balboa Park, the Zoo, etc. A bit gimicky and hallmarkish you might say but it worked perfectly in the moment. I joined the crowd in cheers as the next hometime image was shown. I knew each one and had been to each one of them too! But mostly I was excited because I was swept up in the civic pride roused. I was happy to see great images of a great city. It was not odd not to see Fenway Park, the State House, Back Bay, Quincy Market, etc and that pleased me. It also pleased me to realize that San Diego is my home. I love being home.

Tu Rompio Mi Corazon!

Ahhh that is ok. It is still good to know I have a heart to break.

Gracias por todo!

Michelle's Memories

The hitchhiker you picked up who called you Lori.

Editor's Note: Ummmm this is a very vague recollection and that might be a good thing. Really folks I am not holding out on you on this one.

I am Ready for my Close Up Mr. DeVille

Ricky-p you kill me.